Single Bullet
by DeppsLadyRosebud
Summary: Police work is the only thing that officer Tom Hanson has ever known, but when the one thing he knows and loves ruins his life crippling both him and his career can he find a way to put the pieces back together again? He will find strength in an unlikely
1. Chapter 1

Single Bullet.

_"Good morning all you lovely working class people out there, this is John Stevens with your Weather report, if your going to be driving the I-5 this A.M. Make sure to-" _Officer Tom hanson grunted as his alarm went off reaching over to slap the snooze button his eyes opened slowly... It was 6:35. AM, way to early for his blood considering the bust he had last night didn't even wrap up until somewhere around 3 hours ago.

None the less he knew he had a job to do and with a yawn he lifted himself from the warm comforting blankets of his bed taking a moment to pop all his bones back into the right places and whipe the sleep from his eyes.

Normally on nights like the previous one, his captain would tell him not to come in until at least noon, but with the case they had been wrapped up in so close to being finished, Time was of great value, and there was none to spare.

His feet shuffled against the rug as he let out a yawn and headed towards the bathroom, handling his morning business before going to the kitchen to make the coffee, at which point he would then sleepily set himself down at the kitchen table and read his newspaper...

Once he has read the paper from front to back cover, he will then finish his coffee, and head into the shower. After his shower he will turn the radio back on just in time to catch the 7:15 rush report on traffic, grab his keys and head for another day of work at the chapel.

Hanson's life was very routine. Nothing ever changed... And although part of him liked it that way, there was a part of him that wished that even if it were just for one day something... anything would change...

You know what they say... Be careful what you wish for...

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"Booker!" Captain Adam Fuller called sticking his head out of his office door and looking toward where Officer Dennis Booker was now resting at his desk his feet lazily proped up on a stack of paper his head back, eyes closed...

"BOOKER!" He repeated again his voice raising about 10 octives in the process.

"I'm up...I'm up..." The young man mumbled opening his eyes and jumping up from his seat all in one motion turning to face the direction from where his captain had called. "Yeah?"

"C'mere."

"Aye Aye Sir." He jogged over letting out a yawn along the way. "What can I do for you?"

"Since things are kinda slow around here this morning do you think you could do me a favor and run these down to I.E.D.?" He held out a stack of file folders, "I promised them they would be delivered by last night..."

"Sure thing." The captain smiled, "Why don't you stop and pick up some coffee along the way? Your looking a little worn around the eyes this morning."

"Yes sir, can I bring you back anything?"

"How about this Travis Boy's Ass on a stick?"

"Don't worry Captain we'll get him." Booker retrieved his keys from his pocket, "And when we do you can do whatever you want with his butt, because he won't be needing it for a very long time."

"Good Morning Everyone!" Officer Doug Penhall smiled as he skipped down the steps entering into the chapel a bright smile spread across his lips.

"Someone is having a good morning." Fuller leaned against the door frame leading into his office a smirk playing at his lips.

"Your telling me... I couldn't get him to shut up the whole way over here." Harry Ioki, another one of the Jumpstreet officers mumbled as he entered not to far behind the taller, and much louder man, "You should of heard him when Faith came on the radio... If my window would have rolled all the way down, I might have jumped out of it..."

"Oh come on Iok, I wasn't that bad was I?"

"No." Harry smirked taking a seat at his desk, "You were worse."

"Oh yeah, well your just jealous!"

"Jealous? Oh please Penhall anyone can-"

"Come on now boys, let's behave ourselves!" Officer Judy Hoffs grinned as she stepped down the same steps the others has just entered through, carrying 2 bright pink boxes obviously housing doughnuts inside of them. "Anyone Hungry? I figured we might be able to use some sort of treat after last nights fiasco."

"I call Jelly!" Doug grinned reaching into the box and pulling out a jelly filled doughnut putting it to his lips.

"Thanks Jude," Harry Moved over a few papers taking a seat on her desk.

"Did someone say Doughnuts!" Sal "Blowfish" Banducci, the Chapels maitnence man, and close friend to all the people who worked inside of it asked coming from around the corner where the janitors closet was located, mop still in hand.

"Yeah, you want one?" The only female in the room asked as she licked the maple syrup from her fingers before holding out one of the boxes.

"Sure." Sal reached in the box looking around, "Hey Captain, I thought Booker was here... where'd he go?"

"I sent him down to I.E.D, he should be back any minute... What'd you need?"

"He asked me to get him tickets to tomorrow nights game against the Nicks..."

"Ah, yeah well he should be back pretty quick here..."

"Has Hanson checked in yet this morning Cap?" Penahll asked as he began work on his second doughnut a small bit of Jelly decorating the left corner of his mouth.

"No... You know Hanson though, with as late of a bust as we had last night...He'll be here, We need to finish this case up."

"What's your hurry? We got all the time in the world coach, with spring break around the corner it's not like our desks are piled high in schools waiting for our services... I mean we're pretty slow around here..."

"Yes. But in the mean time we have two possibly three guys supplying enough china white to these kids to kill a whole army of horses... and a mayor whose breathing down our necks to take care of it..."

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Hanson Pulled into the parking lot of the Jumpstreet chapel and shut off the engine to his mustang taking a minute to fix his hair lazily with his fingers before opening his door and grabbing his keys from the ignition. The Cold March air actually quite refreshing as he climbed out still humming the tune to the last song that had been playing on the radio...

And that's when it happened so fast... almost as though lightening had struck, without warning...

There was no sound, but yet strangely he knew what had happened his body crumpling forward fear engulfing every inch of his being, he was completely numb... He couldn't even find the strength to scream. As his head shifted to the right his eyes grew in size noting the dark red pool that quickly began surrounding him.

Cold. Suddenly everything was so cold. His eyes began to drift shut... this was it, this was how he was going to die...

The tires to the black ford van sped out of the parking lot as quickly as they could leaving the young officer there on the pavement companied only by his own blood, tears began to well in his eyes.

It felt like an hour had passed, but in reality it was no more than two minutes when Tom's fading conciousness caught sight of a car pulling into the chapels parking lot a weak cough falling from his lips as his eyes closed hoping and praying that now... now he would be safe... He couldn't open them again it was to hard... he was slipping...

Booker Turned off the radio inside his car and sipped his coffee before opening his door and stepping out, the boots he was wearing clanking hard against the pavement as he took a few steps towards the front doors whistling to himself as he went...

And that's when he saw it, the site that would stay with him for the rest of his life and probibly long after as well, his heart stopped in his chest his blood ran cold in his viens and the breath was stolen from his longs.

"Oh... oh god...no..." He shook his head swollowing hard as he ran to his friends limp body laying face down on the asphault only about 3 feet from where his car was parked. A stream of blood was still making it's way down his flesh from a gapeing bullet whole in the middle of his back...

"Hanson! OH god... Shit!" He fell to his knees and scooped up the figure a small sigh of relief, a very small sigh of relief escaping his lips as he saw the mans eye lids fight to open... At least he was still alive... Barely.

"Hanson! Come on man... FULLER! PENHALLLL SOMEONE HELLLLLLLP! PLEASE!"

"Booker?" Hanson's word was no more than a breath as he recognized the voice coming from the man holding him...

"Shhh... your gonna be alright..."

"cold." He fought to open his eyes as he began choking again this time a small line of blood dripped from his lip as he did so...

"Shit..." The concious man began to panic ripping off his jacket and putting it over hansons body. "hang in there, were gonna get you some help... just hold on... CAPTAIIIIIN!" He screamed again this time his voice border lining hysteria.

"What?...What is it?" Captain fuller came running out the others not to far behind him all of them freezing with horrid expressions when they saw what was in front of them...

"CALL AN AMBULANCE..." He screamed patting the side of Hanson's face with his palm... "Hanson I need you to stay with me man... Come on... Stay with me... Hanson! Hanson! HANSON!" His eyes looked up to meet Penhall who now stood petrafied over th two figures...

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I don't know how much justice I did to this first part, it was not easy to right but I had to get where I wanted to go somewhow didn't I? It will get better I promise, just bare with me. And as always I love to hear what your thinking so let me know.

Rosebud


	2. Chapter 2

_First I want to thank you all for your overwhelming response to this story. Keep it coming, I am glad that you are enjoying reading it as much as I am enjoying writing it. Then I must apologize as well, I am sorry I didn't have this next part to you sooner, my best friend was here from LA, so we were spending a few days together._

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The waiting room was silent, so much so that you could hear a pin drop as the four remaining officers, their captain and the "Janitor" all awaited word on their best friend and fellow officers condition. Penhall and Hoffs were cuddled together in the corner, Judy's eyes still tear stained. Fuller was pacing back and forth, Harry and Blowfish were leaning against the side pilars by the front doors of the waiting room. And Booker, well Booker sat stone frozen on the waiting room couch, his eyes permanently fixed on the blood stained T-shirt he was wearing, his eyes continually watering but never spilling a single tear.

The only movement at all from him was the bobbing of his adams apple as he swollowed in each breath.

It had been a good three hours now as Fuller's eyes kept wondering over to the lost young officer noting his lack of movement and his absence of any words at all... Even Penhall who was without a doubt Tom's best friend has said a few small sentances here and there trying to keep the dead air from eating them all live.

Scratching his beard he walked over and took a seat next to him placing his hand on his knee, "Dennis." He cleared his throat trying to avert his eyes from the blood on the young man's shirt, "How are you doin?' "

"I'm fine coach." He mumbled without ever even looking up his lack of eye contact a sure sign he was lying.

"Why don't you go on home and get changed, I'm sure Harry wouldn't mind driving you."

"No, it's fine. I want to be here."

"We should really get you out of those clothes though." The captain exhaled softly closing his eyes as he did so.

"I'm not leaving captain Fuller." His tone defiant and definate as he stood up, " I'm going to go have a smoke." He looked around at the people surrounding him, "Anyone want to come with me?"

"I'll go..." Judy whispered rising to her feet and streching her arms over her head.

"Yeah me too... I need some air...Or something." Harry was already half way to the door his last statement added as an after thought as he slid his sunglasses on.

"You can walk me out." Blowfish frowned searching for his kids, "I need to run home and check on Rosa and the kids... Captain will you call if you hear anything?"

Fuller nodded, "He still being worked on, but as soon as we know something I'll call."

"Thanks."

Within moments the hospital room was empty aside from the two remaining men, Fuller wondered if Penhall had even noticed the others leave, his head was back his eyes were closed... And although he had been spouting a few one liners before, for the last hour silence had befallen him almost as though the severity of the situation had hit him and he was trying to digest it.

"Penhall." Fuller stood up making his way across the waiting room.

"Yeah Captain?" He opened his eyes readjusting his head slightly and looking up at his captain his eyes were glazed over with a slightly red shade, and Fuller knew even without tears falling he was crying.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm more worried about booker." He retorted almost to quickly, "Do you think he's going to be alright?"

"We're going to get him the help he needs when the time comes..." The older man took a seat next to him, "But right now I want to know how your handling things."

"How do you think I'm handling things?" He asked sounding a little more smug then he meant to. Drawing his lip into his mouth he waited a minute before continuing... "I'm sorry... I just-" He sat up a little more putting his head in his ahnds and running his fingers through his hair. "I hate this... I hate feeling so helpless... that's- that's my best friend in their captain... My partner, and I'm so damn helpless... I can't do anything to help him."

"I know Doug." Fuller whispered taking note of the water now building in the angry man's gaze.

"We don't even know if he's ok..." His hands balled in to fists and he bit down on the left one clearing his throat. "It's-... I just don't know what to do!"

"It's ok to be upset.."

Doug nodded shutting his eyes tightly once more and inhaling as deep as he could. "Everything I've ever delt with... I've never been this Angry Captain... It's like there is this- this parasite knawing at my insides... I want to hit something... I just- We have to find the guy who did this..."

"And we will." Fuller frowned deeper, "It has to be connected to the Roseavelt case..."

"I want to go back in."

"We can't take that risk Doug, if they figured Hanson as a cop, chances are... they figured you as well..."

"I don't care."

"Do you want to end up in the bed next to his?"

"Captain.."

"I'm serious." Fuller put his hand on Doug's shoulder and forced him to turn a little, "We can't take that chance right now... If Tom pulls through this he's going to need you-"

"He's going to pull through this!"

"I hop your right... Either way I can't risk it Penhall."

"So what are we going to do then? This asshole shot a cop... He shot Hanson we can't just let him get away with it."

"When things calm down I'll get a statement from Booker, and when the time is right... One from Hanson as well... Then we will go from there..."

"Fuller I-"

"Let's just not worry about this right now alright?"

"At least it gave me something to think about." Penhall's eyes shot around the hospital taking in the white walls and the stale smell, he was over-whelmingly nausiated. He hated this place.

"I know Doug. I know."

The doors to the OR opened and out stepped an older man waering a now dirty pair of hospital scrubs clip board still in hand he approached the waiting room just as the others began returning from outside.

"Hanson... Family for Hanson?" He called out

"Right here." Fuller rose to his feet the others quickly gathering around him.

The doctor looked suspiciously at everyones faces, "Your Thomas Hanson's family?" He questioned raising his brow.

"That's right." Booker Snapped through a clenched jaw.

"Is his mother here?"

"She hasn't been able to be reached as of yet, I'm Captain Fuller, and these are Tom's Fellow officers... How is he doctor?"

"It is procedure-"

"How is HE?" Penhall growled taking a step forward.

"I wish I had better news to deliver," The older grey haired man frowned looking at his clip board and purposely avoiding the 5 sets of eyes now staring him down.

"What do you mean you widsh you had better news? He-he's not De-" Judy choked softly feeling more tears fall down her cheeks as Harry's arm slid around her...

"Oh no, no no... He's not dead..." The Doctor was quick to correct their thoughts,

"Well then what is it...?" Harry's hand now made a circular motion on Judy's back.

"The bullet that hit Officer Hanson..." He let his eyes wander up very slowly makingeye contact first with the captain, "Severed his spinal cord... And then lodged it's self into his intestine. We were able to remove all of the bullet fragments... However the damage was already done..."

"What Damage? What are you saying doctor?" Fuller had a feeling he already knew but there was still asmall amount of hope to hold on to right?

"I'm sorry, but Officer Hanson has suffered full paralysis from the waist down..."

It was at that moment that the world stopped and even the ticking of the clock was silenced.


	3. Chapter 3

"Can we see him?" Harry asked moments later breaking the silence.

"He hasn't woken up yet, but I think it best if you are there when he does... He's going to need all of you."

"Of course." Fuller swollowed knowing that everyone was looking at him to say something, to take the lead like he always had... He was after all the captain. "Doctor...Is this, I mean is this permanent?"

"It's to early to tell to be honest Captain Fuller." The doctor's eyes we're full of regret, "I mean... We won't know anything until time tells us, Nerve regrowth is very possible depending upon the severity of the situation, but even if it is to come it could take months, or years before-"

"Stop." Booker mumbled,

"what?" Fuller turned around not even to sure that he had heard words come from the young man's mouth.

"STOP!" He snapped his eyes shooting up from where they had been once more studying the blood... Hanson's blood on his shirt.

"Dennis, man..." Harry reached over placing a hand on his shoulder only t have it shrugged off.

"Which room is his?" Booker questioned looking the doctor in the eyes, "You said we need to be with him, so why stand here waisting our time with your doctor babble bullshit when we could be in there?"

"Booker." The captain warned.

"No it's alright..." The doctor nodded, "Anger is a perfectly normal emotion." He turned and began back down the hallway, "Follow me."

The five figures nodded and followed the man in the white coat down the quiet halls of the hosptal, none of them letting their eyes stray from the tiles of the floor they were walking on, each one lost in their own thoughts.

Tom's Hospital room was almost completely dark, the only light coming from a single sun ray that was leaking through a small crack in the blinds on the far wall. On the bed Hanson lay hooked to two Iv's one with a clear liquid and the other with a liquid more the color of lemonade. Their was an oxygen tank with a tube that lead up into his nose, a heart and pulse monitor and a few other small machines as well. He looked so peacful, resting there, the blanket covering his body his paled face turned slightly to the side his lips parted and hair messy.

"I don't know if I can do this..." Judy whispered into Harry's ear as they were the last one's to enter her eyes falling upon the bed.

"We have to be strong now Jude, for Hanson."

Penhall growled low in his throat taking in the sight before him, how could someone do this to another human being, how could someone do this to his friend? His blood boiled and he wanted to kill. He wanted the man responsible for this and he wanted to shoot him right in the back. A few small drops of sweat worked their way down his forehead as he whiped them away.

Booker stood on the far end of the room next to the window his arms crossed over his chest as he avoided looking at the bed, the memory of what happened, the memory of the parking lot stuck on repeat over and over in his mind. His hands felt wet again, saturated with his friends blood. His stomach twisted in a knot as he shook of the urge to go wash them again for about the 25th time in the last 3 and a half hours swollowng back the vomit rising in his throat.

Captain Fuller was silent as he walked over and took the chair closest to the bed, leaning back against its cushions he brought his hand up resting it shakily on Tom's leg studying the sleeping figure. How could this have happened? How could any of this have happened? A question he knew would not have and easy answer.

A sense of dread had now shadowed the room full of cops as the vision before them brought true and final reality to their minds and hearts, it was as though when they couldn't see him some part of them could still pretend that Tommy was going to be alright that he wasn't the one in the bed fighting for his life with a hole in his back.

But now. Now they had to face it, they had to face him, and there was no level left for them to play pretend on.

"He looks so peacful doesn't he?" Harry's voice was soft and his question spoken to no one imparticular,

"Yeah, well... let him rest...this is probibly going to be the last good rest he's going to see in a while."

"You don't mean to tell me you believe what that quack was saying do you?" Booker snorted sarcastically, denile thick in his voice even though the look in his eyes showed he knew the truth. "There is no way Tommy is paralized, I bet any one of you your entire next paycheck that when he leaves this hospital he's going to be walking out of here."

"Dennis, son." Fuller cleared his throat for about the 10th time that afternoon while searching for the right thing to say, noting everyones fragile state of mind at the moment. "Asmuch as well all wish that... You know as well as I do that the doctor is right..."

"BULLSHIT!" Bookers head shook back and forth as he ran his fingers over his jacket sleeves his arms still crossed.

"Booker lower your voice!" Hoffs scolded trying to remain calm herself her eyes red and tear stained.

Penhall's eyes widened as he saw Tommy's head move back and forth lightly, "All of you shut up." He spat closing the gap between where he stood by the bathroom and the bed taking his friends hand lightly in his own. "He's waking up."

"Hanson... Hanson it's Hoffs, we're all here Honey."

"Tommy open your eyes man..." Fuller whispered as thy all now stood around the bed hovering over the waking figure.

Tom grunted lightly in response, their voices were so loud even though he could tell they were whispering everything sounded as though he were standing in a tunnel... "Fuller...?" He mumbled groggily. Why the hell was Fuller in his bedroom? His mind began to whirl... Come to think of it when did he even go into his bedroom? He didn't even remember going home...

"That's right Tommy. I'm here..."

"We're all here man." Penhall gave his hand another squeeze.

Penhall? Penhall was here too? What the hell was going on? and why in the world was he so damn tired. With a defiant moan he forced his eyelids open, a lot harder of a task then he remembered it being all the previous times he had opened them before. Like a flood light the room came into view everything was blurred and bright even though the blinds were closed.

He could see the figures above him and blinked a few times to bring them into focus, sure enough there they all were Penhall, Fuller, Hoffs Ioki and even Booker... But they weren't in his room... He let his eyes shift around a few times before letting them fall back on the sad looking faces taking note of the oxygen being forced into his nose and feeling the IV's in his hand even in his dettached and out of it state he put two and two together. "Hospital?" He licked his dry lips...

"Yeah man, your in the hospital..." Penhall took a seat on the bed without saying another word.

Tom's brows furrowed deeply as slowly his clarity came back to him, and like a mack truck smacking him in the gut the wind was robbed from him... the world spinning as he clutched tight to the object in his grasp which happened to be Penhall's hand...

His features contorted as he closed his eyes tightly and took in a deep breath holding it and trying to calm himself.

"Hanson relax." Judy cooed running a hand through his hair...

"Who...Who found me?" He cleared his throat again looking up at all of them, "Who found mne who saved me?"

"Booker did." Fuller explained softly.

Tom nodded looking at Booker and opening his mouth to thank him, but quickly his expression changed, a confused look running across his features as he let his eyes fall down his torso to the lower half of his body. Drawing in a breath he exhaled biting on his lip. "Doug..."

Judging by the look on Hanon's face Penhall already knew what was coming. "Tom it's ok... just relax..."

"Wh-why is... why is everything numb?" A state of shock had entered the man on the bed as his eyes continued to stare his voice calm and collected almost as though it wasn't even him, but just some other person he was talking about, looking at...

"Tom It's alright." Harry removed his hand from his pocket patting his friends shoulder not to sure what to do.

"I can't feel anything." Hanson's dark brown eyes tore from Penhall to Fuller, and then around the rest of the circle and back to penhall worry edged deep inside of them... "They're numb."

"Tommy... listen to me," His partner placed his free hand on top of the hand he was already holding locking Tom's in the middle, "When... when the bullet hit your spine, it severed your spinal cord... and.. and uh..." Doug's lips quivere as he swollowed hard and a few stray tears dripped down his face. Finding it very hard to continue on, wanting nothing more than to break his gaze from his best friends, but at the same time unable to do so... "And... It... the-the bullet was lodged in your intestine..."

The look on Doug's face said it all, he didn't need words now, he had known this man for 4 years now, and that single look the saddness in his eyes the tremble in his flesh... "Doug?" Tom's voice came out in a small shakey squeal as he closed his eyes. "A-am I..."

"I'm sorry..." A single whisper was the end of all noise in the room before silence came again... silence that was as deadly as it was welcomed.


	4. Chapter 4

Penhall and Fuller stood in the dcotors office, it really was remarkable sometimes how much they resembled eachother, not in their looks, but in their stance, their expressions and their mannerisms. Both men curently had their arms down at their sides winth their hands in their pockets, and their heads tilted back just enough to be intimidating if they wanted to be.

"I wanted to discuss further with you the details of your friends condition." The Doctor sat behind his large wooden desk nodding at the two chairs opposite him, "Please have a seat."

Fuller was the first to sit, "Thank you doctor." He took a seat leaning back into it and crossing his legs. Penhall quick to follow suit and do the same.

"Seeing as how you are both officers with the police department, I am going to guess that you both know alittle bit about what is going on already, as far as the impact of the bullet... the spinal injury, and those aspects of the "accident" correct ?"

"Yes sir, Officer Penhall and myself are fully aware of the circumstances..."

"What we are here to discuss is the emotional changes that he is going to go through, psychologically dealing with something like this can take it's toll not only on the body, but on the mind. Officer Hanson is going to spend a lot of time... especially in the adjustment period, being angry, he's going to lash out at those close to him, and at himself. He is going to say and do things that you could never imagine... In fact he is on suicide watch for at least the next 72 hours, So if you and your friends would like to take turns staying with him that would be for the best."

"Hanson would never try to kill himself." Penahll defended his best friend a stern look crossing his features as he sat up.

"Are you sure about that Douglas,..."

"He loves his life!"

"Even if everything inside of it has crumbled and it seems like there is nothing left of it! Will he love it then?" The doctor frowned leaning forward on the desk., "In Tom's eyes everything he's worked for, everything he has lived for it distroyed... ruined and his life is over, that is going to be a very over whelming feeling when it finally hits..."

"I just can't imagine-"

"Then don't, but don't dismiss the posibility of it either, Your going to need to be on your toes... He needs that from you, and I know that your strong enough to be there for him."

"Doc...Ummmm, I- How...How am I supposed to act around him?" Penhall's voice suddenly changed to a mere whisper as he let his eyes cast downward feeling ashamed for even asking such a question.

"Well how do you usually act around him Douglas?"

"He's my best friend, we do everything together,..."

"And none of that is going to change just because he's in a wheelchair, you have to treat him just as you always have... now there are just limitations..."

"I just, now you know... he's in the bed and everything seems, well it seems like it's going to be fine... Even though I know that it's not? Ya know?... Amd I just, I know that this is stupid but... What if I can't look at him? I mean he's Tom Hanson, he's the best cop that I know... and now his life is over, and I just don't know if I can look at him in one of those wheel-..." He swolloed hard and cleared his throat. "Things."

Fuller frowned putting his hand on the young mans back, he himself taking this time to obsorb everything being told to them.

"It's hard, there is no denying that, but you have to be strong, you cannot let your fears show... not yet, as time passes and things get easier... because they will. It might not seem like it now, but they will... Take some time and talk to him."

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Ioki was now sitting in the chair closest to Tom's bed Judy next to him, and Booker still sitting in the far corner of the room pretending not so convincingly to read a magazine, every now and then a fidget showing the others that he was still breathing. He had been reading this particular page for over thirty minutes, and the one before that for a good hour.

Tom was sleeping restlessly, his heart monitor keeping stedy rythm with his breathing, his hand clasped tight in Harry's, no one was exactly sure why, maybe it was the need to feel even in his state of sleep some sense of reality, maybe it was the need to have someone close, and maybe it was just to hold on to something, someone...

"Booker." Hoffs rose to her feet her eyes taking in the preoccupied man, "Booker." She repeated as she began to close in the distance between them.

"Hmmm?"

"Come on." She grabbed her purse fishing for her keys.

"I don't want to go anywhere." He finally looked up closing the magazine in his grasp.

"Well that's to bad, I'm taking you back to your place, where you can get a shower and put on some new clothes... Maybe take a bit of a rest?"

"I'm fine."

"You need to take those off." she pointed to the outfit he was still wearing, his white Ramones T-shirt spattered with red stains, his jeans covered in dirt from the asphault.

"Jude-"

"Now Dennis," Her voice was firm, "Youve seen that he's alright, you know that he's not going to be going anywhere, and it's time for you to take care of yourself."

"She's right man, he's still going to be here when you get back..." Harry whispered, he of course was not to up on the idea of being in the room alone, but he knew that Dennis needed out of here before he cracked anymore than Harry felt he already had.

"Your going to be alright alone with him right?" Hoffs asked eyeing Ioki.

"Of course, He's sleeping, and besides Blowfish said that he would be here wihin the hour so I don't have to wait that long..."

"Do youwant me to stop on my way back and maybe pick-up some burgers or something?"

"That would be great. I haven't even thought about eating..."

"I don't think any of us have, but were not going to be any good to Hanson if we let ourselves go..." she purposely looked at Booker when she said the last part of her statement.

Rising to his feet defeatedly he sighed and grabbed his jacket swinging it over his shoulders, "Alright, Alright we're going." He put a smoke between his lips taking a final glimpse at the figure in the hospital bed as he headed out the door.

"We'll be back in a few."

"Don't hurry on my account." Harry watched as they disappeared down the hallway.

Leaning back in the chair he closed his eyes folding his hands in his lap licking his lips trying to find some sort of way to get comfortable his eyes following the bright green light of the heart monitor up and down, up and down.

The others couldn't have been gone more than a few minutes when with a start Tom began to sweat, shifting his head from one side to the other his heart monitor speed racing just slightly enough to alarm Harry as he sat up and held tightly to the clammy hand in his own stroking it's top a little. "Hanson... Relax." He whispered using his other hand to take the wash cloth and whipe his forehead...

"NO!" He screamed drawing in a deep breath as his eyes flew open and shot around the room his nails digging heavily into Harry's flesh.

Ioki's eyes widened as he fought to losen Hanson's grip on him, still remaining calm... "Tom... Breath man, just breathe..."

"I-I" Tommy swollowed and fought to catch his breath, "I was..." He looked around a moment more before his eyes met Harry's. "I wasn't dreaming was I?"

"No man, I'm afraid not..." He placed the cool washcloth on Hanson's head.

"Harry?" Hanson brought his free hand up whiping at his lips and swollowing. "What- what am I gonna do now?" His big brown eyes looked so lost, so confused and so pain stricken...

"I don't know Hanson... I just I don't know..." The other man answered honestly his eyes purposely looking away out the window to keep himself from crying as he noticed only a few small tears working their way down Tom's face... A few small lonely emotion filled tears.

He drew in a breath and then let it out his chest rising and falling as he fought off the tears in his eyes. "I..." He smiled painfully at one of his best friends his lips shaking just slightly. "I'm scared..."

"We're gonna get through this together..." Ioki looked away from the window and down into his lap before looking back at Hanson. "Your not alone..."

"I don't want to have to get through this at all..." Tom laid his head back deeper into the pillow his eyes staring into the mirror which he could see directly from where he was laying. His stomach turned, vomit rose in his throat... looking at himself made him physically sick... what the hell had he become?

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_Thank you all so so much for your comments, I never dreamed this story would be such a hit! _


	5. Chapter 5

_Once again I must tell you how glad I am that so many of you are enjoying this story. Now to answer the Booker question, although guilt is amajor player in the way he is acting, there is more than meets the eye in his case... so just stay tuned._

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"How goes things in here Iokage?" Penhall asked as he and Fuller stepped back in to the room his voice just slightly above a whisper. "Did he wake up yet?"

"Yeah, he just fell back asleep a few minutes ago." Harry stood and shoved his hands in his pockets heading towards the door where the two men had just entered. "Did you talk to the doctor?"

"Yeah..." Fuller closed the door behind himself before turning his attention back into the room, "He was just filling us in a bit on the situation at hand... I'll tell you about it later, how's he doing?"

"He's still pretty out of it." Ioki glanced toward the bed, "But all things considered he's handling it pretty well I guess..."

"He's strong." Fuller noted, "It's going to be rough for a while, but he'll pull through..."

"I know." Both of the younger cops said in unison.

"Where is Hoffs and Booker disappear to?"

"They headed for Bookers place, thought it was time for him to get out of those clothes, Judy said she would stop and pick up some burgers on the way back."

"That's good, I think he needed to get out of here, he seems to be taking this pretty hard." Penhall looked at his captain then to Harry.

"I think we are all dealing with what happened in our own way..."

"I guess..."

"Captain?" Tom's voice rang from behind the peach colored hospital curtain, sounding groggy and tired.

Fuller stepped further into the room pulling the curtain back slightly a fake light smile on his lips as he did so, "How you feelin' son?" He asked sympathetically taking a seat next to the bed.

"How am I supposed to feel?" He cleared his throat and slid his tongue across his lips.

"That was a stupid question..."

"Have you talked to the doctor yet?" His big brown eyes were hopeful as he shifted his gaze to look up at his captain.

"Yeah, yeah Tommy I did..." The older man let his eyes fall and study his lap.

"What did he say?"

"It's going to-" Fuller exhaled rubbing his beard, "It's going to take time Tom... before they can tell exactly what your prognosis is..."

"Is it permanent?"

"Tom-"

"Is it permanent?" He asked again interupting whatever the other man was going to say, Harry and Doug coming to stand by the bed now as well.

"There is a chance..." Fuller's hand instinctively came to rest on Hanson's arm, "There is a chance that yes, your condition is... that you are..."

Noticing the discomfort of all three man surrounding him... His insides torn apart like a dagger suddenly piercing his heart he smiled crookedly even as his lips quivered, swollowing hard he gave his captain's hand a squeexe, "It's alright, you can say it, there is a chance that I'm paralyzed,"

"I'm sorry Tommy..."

"What do you have to be sorry for? You didn't cause this..."

"I know but-"

"No but's." He stated matter of factly, his eyes then looking up at Penhall, his best friend his partner, his smile widened further and he felt as though his adam's apple was blocking his throat restricting any air from going in, yet he spoke anyway... his voice a high squeal. "So... This means your going to be getting a new partner then..."

"Don't." Doug begged sticking his fist into his mouth unable to look at him, "Don't say that. Your still my partner your always going to be, and...and..."

"I can't go out into the field like this man..."

"We'll think of something." Harry butted in trying as best he could to be optimistic, "Don't give up so easily..."

"I'm not giving up Iok, I'm just facing the facts..."

"Why don't you just try to get some rest, and we can talk about this later?" Fuller interjected patting the slightly quivering man's arm.

"I'm going to have plenty of time to rest." Tom shrugged, "Why should I try to cram it all into one day?"

"Hanson-"

"Seriously, I'm fine guys." He leaned his head up a little and looked at all three of them, "Did they tell you when I was going to be able to get outta here?"

"It's going to be a while..."

"I thought you might say that," He frowned. "The food here is shit." He grunted,

"Well Judy is going to be bringing some burgers," Penhall shifted on his feet more than a little alarmed by how peculiar his friend was acting, "Do you uh, want me to call her and have her bring you one?"

"Nah...I want you to call her and tell her to stay home."

"What?"

"There is no need for you to be here. Just because I'm stuck in this hell hole doesnt mean you have to be too..."

"But we want to be here."

"Well... What if I don't want you here?"

"Well then tough cookies because we're staying." Blowfishes voice sounded through the room as he entered

"Blow!" Tom smirked, "How goes things my man?"

"Good," Blowfish nodded eyeing him cautiously.. "And...How are you?"

"Numb." Tom grunted.

"I know... I spoke to the doctor before I came in, is... is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yeah, go home... and take all these guys with you..."

"We would not leave you in here alone." He leaned back against the far wall fixing his thick rimmed glasses on his nose. "Rosa said to give you her love..."

"Well that was nice of her."

"Yeah it's nice to know that to get her love all I'm gonna have to do is land myself in the hospital." Blowfish joked lamely in an attempt to lighten the mood some.

"Captain can I talk to you outside?" Penhall asked already moving toward the door, his face masked in worry.

"Yeah sure. We'll uh be right back guys." The captain already knew where this was going.

"Do you want to tell me what the hell is going on in there?" Penhall leaned back against the cream colored hospital walls his voice low yet stern and highly confused... "I mean one minute he's abo;ut to burst in to tears and the next he's cracking jokes and acting like everything is fine!"

Fuller bit the inside of his cheek taking a minute before figuring out how to answer taking in the fragile and confused man in front of him, "He's coping... He's certainly not thinking clearly, and he's putting on a front for all of us, he thinks that if we see he's strong then he will become strong... He's masking his feelings."

"Why?"

"Maybe to make it easier on us?... And maybe to make it easier on himself... He's just kinda lost right now you know?"

"I know...Captain?"

"Hmmm?"

"He's right you know?"

"About what?"

"I-I'm going to have to be assigned a new partner..."

"I know."

_The next chapter is going to pick up three months after the "accident with Tom home and ready to move back into working at the chapel..._


	6. Chapter 6

_"Good morning all you lovely working class people out there, this is John Stevens with your Weather report, if your going to be driving the I-5 this A.M. Make sure to take the fast lane-" _Hanson grunted and reached over with his arm flipping off the alarm as he yawned and began to let his eyes shut once more his covers wrapped tightly around himself.

These past 3 months and four days had flown by, but at the same time each one seemed to take longer than the next to be over with. That is how long it had been since his "accident." It wasn't an accident, and everyone knew that, but it was like if you called it that it made the pain easier... or so they thought, the truth was nothing made the pain easier... everything reminded him now that he was different than everyone else, everytime he was put in that... that thing, trapped in that metal cage with no way out... trapped inside this body that refused to do what he told it to... Trapped inside a head full of memories... Memories of what he was, memories of the day that stole his life from him... memories of everything.

It was these thoughts that forced him wide awake once again, just like they had every pervious day, now he would lay here in the silence of his own home nothing but dead air to keep him and his thoughts company. He would lay here and feel sorry for himself. Some mornings even a few tears would come to his eyes, some mornings he would get so angry that he would scream... it didn' matter though he was alone, for at least another fifteen minutes... He could feel think say and do what he wanted for the next 15 minutes his day was his.

However, on this morning his fear was more than his sadness and his anger had ever been, today was the day he was going to attempt to go back to some sort of life... some sort of normallcy and that thought alone tarified him. Not only because he was going to have to face everyone, in a surrounding that wasn't his... in a place where he had no control... But more so because going back,... Working again, meant that he accepted what had happened and he had accepted his fate... he didn't want to do that, he just wanted to lay here forever and wait to either die or miraculously heal.

He cleared his throat smoothing out his hair and whiping at his eyes taking a look around his room everything looked so bright and beautiful, everything filled with color and life... Everything accept him. With an exaggerated sigh he threw his hands down on the bed tilting his head back and breathign in a deep not so refreshing breath...

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Doug reached into his pocket and pulled out the spare house key that Tom had given him after the accident, balancing the box of doughnuts and coffee in one hand he unlocked the door before kicking it open and then stepping in pushing it closed behind him. Walking into the kitchen he set the food down and tossed his keys on the counter before sliding his jacket off and over a near by chair.

He hated this, he didn't tell Tom so much... but he hated having to do this, not that he minded helping him, he knew than Hanson would do the same for him if it ever came to be, but he hated seeing him so helpless having to do for him, and help him in the way you would an infant, it was just very unsettling. Shaking the thoughts from his head and inhaling he knocked lightly on the bedroom door now in front of him before opening it.

"You ready?" He forced a smile so wide that it made his eyes crinkle at the ends and his chin dimple, "Today is your big debut!"

Tom gave him a half cocked smile before letting his lips fall back to his numb blank expression, "Good morning Doug." he mumbled.

"Oh come on... gimmie a little more excitement than that." The larger man shook his head as he stood at the foot of the bed poping his knuckles before lifting up Tom's left leg and streching it out rubbing his fingers hard along the souls of his feet massaging them.

"You- you know you don't have to do that." He sighed closing his eyes, "The nurse was already here to change my cathi- my well you know-... This morning at about Five." His cheeks reddend with embarassment as he bit his lip.

"I know I don't have to, but I want to, anything to get you back up on these things faster..."

"I doubt it." Tom tilted his head to one side then the other popping his neck his eyes purposely avoiding Penhalls hands and his own legs, it had been over three months and he still couldn't look at them, he knew it was psychological... Hell he was a cop, he had taken the classes... But still it didn't matter, he couldn't bring himself to look. He couldn't 'Face his tradgedy.' As the quacks in the psych ward called it. And the few times he had caught a glimpse, his stomach would knot and bile would rise up in his throat and spread across his tongue buring his mouth as much as the sight before him burned his eyes, his soul and everything that he was.

"Tom-" Doug's voice held stern warning, He had really been a saving grace through all this... anytime day or night when Tom needed him he was there, like a night in leather armour with really bad hair where a helmet should be, he was there... In Tom's eyes it had given new meaning to the words best friend. Judy Fuller, Blowfish and Ioki had come by quite often, they would come by and check on him hang out and tell him stories about what was going on at the office... Sitting with him for hours, just enjoying being in the same room with him I suppose after nearly losing him, they found themselves simply needing to be close... to see him and see that he was still alive.

Booker on the other hand,... Tom hadn't seen booker since he left the hospital, it was like... once he was out of that place once Booker knew he was safe... he wasn't going to die it became harder to face him... Maybe. To tell you the truth Tom wasn't to sure why he hadn't come by. He had called two or three times, you know to check up on things...but never had he come by.

"So uh Fuller had a ramp installed and Judy is gonna take your desk for the time being, so your gonna take hers, since it's right by the door and all, we just thought it would be easier." Tom noticed as Doug's voice take on an uncomfortable tone, something it had been doing alot of lately, everytime he talked about changes... or the 'accident'.

"Good...That's good," Hanson nodded, Fuller had agreed to let him come back to work, not as a field officer of course, but there was a lot of paper work that needed to be done and filed, there was a lot of phone calls to be answered... Both Hanson and Fuller knew the truth though, Fuller wanted Hanson back at work and Hanson wanted to be there... well part of him did, so even if it meant getting paid to just sit there and file paper work at least he would be there, serving some small purpose...

"And he got new phones, with intercoms so that you can get intouch with anyone of us if you need anything... Even Blows got one in the janitors closet..." Doug put down Tom's leg and walked around to the side of the bed pulling the covers down.

"He must want me back there pretty bad if he even sprung for a new phone for Blowfish man..."

"I told you the place is a mess without you there." Doug walked over to retrieve the black metal wheelchair from the corner of the room where he had parked it the night before, pulling it up next to the bed he leaned down a little and lifted Tom from his bed. "Arms up."

Tom nodded and put his arms around the bigger mans neck as he was slowly and carefully lowered in to the wheel contrapment.

Crouching down Doug strapped in forst his left leg then his right then he buckled the belt across his stomach, this was the same routine as every other morning, now they would head into the kitchen where they would eat breakfast... A lot of times Penahall would bring over something that his on again off again girlfriend Dorathy made for them, sometimes he would attempt to cook himself... but most of the time it was Cereal... Cereal or doughnuts. Then once breakfast was done they would move into the bathroom where changing would commense... First his pants then his shirt, showering was done every other day at night when the nurse would come by.

Ah yes the nurse, she came by every morning at around five, it was to the point now where most of the time Hanson slept right through her visits, she would ifirst change his cathiter bag, then she would strech him and rotate him... none of which took work on his part.She also came by every other night to bathe him and make sure that everything was going alright... those visits of course took a lot more effort on his part.

So after changing, then they would spend another 10 minutes getting him back in the chair at which point they would then leave the house, take an additional ten to transfer Tom from the chair to the car... It really was a vicious cycle. But both men were pretty use to it by now everytime there was a doctors appointment, or a trip to the store needing to be made... Penhall was always the one there to help out. Henever bitched, he never complained and he always had a smile on his face, even when Tom could tell hhe was uncomfortable...

The traffic heading toward the chapel was packed, something both men expected seeing as how it was now eight thirty a.m. on a monday morning. "So my mom called about fifteen minutes after you took off last night..."

"She beg you to come home again?"

"Yep. She says she thinks that it would just be easier if I moved in there with her, and let her take care of me..."

"She is a mom Hanson it's her job to feel that way,..."

"I know..."

"Especially after what happened to your pop..."

Tom nodded, "But do you really think I could handle living there with her, I mean come on man, this whole thing is hard enough as it is... I don't need my mothers pity to make things worse."

"So how did you get her off your back this time."

"I told her that I had just finally scored a down stairs apartment after being stuck up stairs for over 2 years, and there was no way I was giving it up this soon."

"Did she buy it?" Penhalls brow rose as he pulled into the parking lot of the chapel

"Do you think she bought it?" Hanson swollowed and purposely kept his eyes on Penahll not wanting to look outside, he was fighting to ignore the vomit in his throat and the pounding of his heart,

"No." Penhall chuckled a little then glancing over he took note of Hanson's appearance and frowned, "Just don't think about it... Every- you know everything has been cleaned up..."

"They stil haven't caught the guy..."

"No but we will..." Penhall pulled into the lot and shut off the engine to the black lincoln town car that the department had all chipped in to purchase for him... or more so for Tom so that it was easier for him to get around.

"I just I didn't even think about seeing this-"

"Then don't." He reached over putting a hand on his friends shoulder, "Don't think about what happened, I know it's hard but you have to block it out you can't let it haunt you... You gave fuller the discription that you had, and we're going to nail this asshole, but in the mean time you need to get your life back... alright? You need tos start thinking about Tom and not... well not everything else..."

Tom nodded. "I know."

"So are you ready to go back to work then Officer Hanson?"

Tom nodded again and smiled smoothly as he saw Dougs hand slide down off his shoulder and extend towards his, the two of them then doing what was now known as 'The McQuaid Brothers' Hand shake, and ending it with a "HEH!"

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_First off thank you thank you so much to all of the people who have been reading this story! And now secondly to answer the question, there is nothing that you should have really took note of by now,... that is still yet to come, because we haven't dove into the whole Booker situation just yet. This chapter you will notice there is no Booker although there was mention of him, I did that on purpose, I wanted to establish the bond of friendship between Penhall and Hanson before going any further for all of you Deluise fans out there like myself. Anyway thank you so very much I love critisism, and I love knowing what you guys are thinking as you read this._

_Rosebud_


	7. Chapter 7

The place looked nearly the exact same as it had the last time Tom had seen it, aside from the new wheelchair access accomadations. He let his eyes wonder around the busy work space, per usual Ioki and Hoffs were having some intense debate over at his desk, Booker was working on some paperwork while talking on the phone in the desk next to that. Blowfish was even busy this morning, working on the electrical socket near the fridge in the middle of the chapel. Captain Fuller was no where around, but that was not unusual, Tom was more than sure that he was in his office screaming at someone on the telephone, wiether it be about a case, another precinct... anything.

Although a sense of happiness washed over him as they entered into the room it was quickly shadowed and erased by a feeling of uneasy sickness that embedded its self into his stomach. It was almost enough to make him vomit, he closed his eyes tightly and leaned back in his chair.

"HEEEEY!" Ioki hopped down from where he was sitting on his desk Judy close behind him. "Welcome back Hanson..." His brows furrow slightly, "You alright?"

"Yeah." The chair bound man smiled opening his eyes and shaking the man's hand who now stood next to him, "Perfect."

"It's wonderful to see you back here." Judy chimed in, " Penhall tell you we switched desks for the time being?"

"Yeah, thanks..."

"Oh please." She smiled, "I'll be glad to get rid of Booker, he's your problem now." She was refering to the fact that Bookers desk was right next to the one Hanson would now be using.

"Gee thanks..."

"Hanson!"

"Hey Blow." Hanson smiled even though he was incresingly becoming even more uncomfortable than he originally was nearly everyones attention now on him, he felt as though he were some sort of circus act. Everyone of course, except for Dennis.

Dennis was actually the exact opposite, he hadn't even looked up from the paperwork in front of him, it was like he was deliberately avoiding the situation in the front section of the chapel... Or maybe deliberately avoiding Tom was more accurate.

"FULLER!" Penhall screamed loud enough that the others were sure they saw the walls shake.

"What is it Penh-" Captain Fuller smiled when he saw who was there waiting, "Hanson!"

"Hiya Coach."

"How does it feel to be back?" He asked approaching the small cluster of people.

"I'm not to sure yet, gimmie a few hours then ask me again."

"Just remember to take things nice and slow..."

"I know."

"And I'm sure if you need anything Booker will be happy to help." His voice rose slightly. "Won't you Dennis?"

"Yeah sure." Came the mumbled response.

"Is he alright?" Tom asked his voice lowered to no more than a whisper.

"Just give him time Tom." The captain smiled almost sadly patting his shoulder, "Why don't you go get settled in?" He then redirected his attention to the others, "You three I need you in my office please..."

"Of course Cap." Penhall nodded, "Be there in a minute."

Taking Hanson over to his desk he put the break on, "Here you go man, if you need anything theres the intercom button there, press it and one of us will come running alright."

"Sure."

"Is there anything I can get for you?"

"No I'm alright,"

"Okay, you sure?"

"Doug go." Tom smiled as politely as he could manage up at the bigger man.

The minute Doug was out of his sight and the others were gone as well, this eerie silence began to naw at Tom... He could almost feel the sweat beginning to form on his upper lip and brow as he swollowed and found himnself glancing over in Booker's direction through the corner of his eye.

He should talk to him, he should say something... But he knew that even the sight of him made Booker uncomfortable, he knew that their first converstation was not going to be any easy one... And he wasn't to sure now was the time as he ran a hand through his haie and began trying to take his focus off the inner termoils chewing and gagging on his insides by looking at the case file in front of him...

"Something is missing here..." He mumbled a moment later as he had read the paperwork in front of him three times now and still couldn't seem to put it together. Closing the file he rested his head back on his hands and closed his eyes for a moment, it seemed a whole lot easier to work when all he had to do was go out and catch the bad guy, then do his own paperwork and be done with it.

Booker could feel his heart rate speed up as he heard the man not more than 10 feet from him sigh and glanced up to see that he was so vastly approaching his wits end, he should go talk to him, he should go see if he could help, this being Tom's first day back... he should be there for him like a friend would... Even though the two of them had always had this awkward hate love friendship thing going on.

Only taking seconds to argue with himself he rose to his feet smoothing out and fidgeting with his jacket as he closed the distance between their desks now finding himself standing right in fron't of Hanson's. "Hey..." His voice was half a mumble as he scratched his upper lip.

Opening his eyes Tom felt a sense of shock come over him as a small smile graced his lips trying to make the other man more comfortable knowing that this had to have been really hard for him to do. "Hey..."

"You uhhhh, you need anything?" His hand now went from his lip to scraching the back of his head as he fidgeted nervously. "I mean you seem like, you know something is bugging you..."

Tom Exhaled loudly a signal that he was letting his guard down even if it was only for a moment, finding even in their awkward convesation and current situation that he could probibly be the most honest with Booker out of everyone he knew, "I just... I'm beginning to wonder if it was the right decision to come back here, I never thought it would be like this you know?"

Dennis nodded moving a few papers to the corner of Hanson's desk and taking a seat on it's edge although he still found his insides twisted part of him... some small part was slowly becoming at ease and actually wanted to be thewre listening. "I know that it's got to be rough..."

"It's just... First you know, everyone is fondling me, wanting to be close to me..." He looked up briefly, "Almost everyone anyway, and they won't just let me get back to work they have to be worried and shadow me... treat me as though I'm glass and I'm going to shatter at any moment..."

"They're worried."

"I know... but then you know... Then on the other hand... I just... I don't know if I can handle the other aspects of being back here, it's not like it was... before the shooting, before the accident, I actually liked my job then... Now all I see are the memories of that day, all I feel is sickness and disgust and... I just this place is nausiating... It makes me want to scream or something."

"What happened Tommy, it is going to stay with you for a long time no matter where you are, and sure being back here," Booker swollowed and inhaled slowly, "You know being where it happened, that's going to bring on stronger feelings then any other time... but your strong man, and once we catch this fucker those too will go away..."

"He could be across the world by now, we're not going to catch him..."

"He shot a cop Hanson, that's not just something they let go of."

"Still... I just,-" Hanson's phone rang interuppting the conversation and he held his finger up toward Booker as he picked it up, "Hanson here."

There was a brief pause before he spoke again, "Don't call me here." He grunted into the reciever, "Tell him that I won't be coming in... ever." He stated very calmly before setting the piece back on it's base.

"Who was that?" Dennis' brow cocked slightly,

"No one...Listen... these walls are beginning to close in on me, I don't smoke but do yo;u want to you know go out and have a cigarette..."

"Yeah." Booker stood up, "Yeah sure."

"Great." Hanson reached down undoing his break and rolling out from behind the desk,

"Do uh, do you you know want me to push you or something?" Booker offered clearing his throat and biting his lip softly,

"If-" Tom glanced up and shook his head seeing the discomfort in the man before him, "You know whatr I got it, I can use the excersise."

"Alright."

Penhall just so happened to be exiting Fullers office Ioki close on his heels as their eyes found the pair exiting the building, "well would you look at that Iokage...It worked like a charm."

"Yeah... I guess Fuller was right." Ioki chuckled patting Penhall on the back shortly before moving around him.

_Thanks so much for all your reviews and such, I love critics, and honest opinions so please continue to share them with me, these past few chapters have been harder for me to write, because I know where I want this to go... but it's got to get there, does that make sense? Also I wanted to let all of you know that I will not write slash, so there is no slash in this story, I just can't do it sorry... I do however believe that friendship is a beautiful thing and that is what I love to build on so anyway... stay tuned._

_Rosebud_


	8. Chapter 8

_I know it took me a while to get to part 8, and I apologize, thanks again for all of the replies! I love honesty so please keep it up...Enjoy._

"You alright?" Dennis frowned leaning back against the side of the chapel and lighting a smoke after putting it between his lips. Hus eyes finding their way over to Tom who sat motionless inside his chair his eyes staying focused on the parking lot, more percisely the third parking spot from the left... empty.

You could still see if you looked hard enough the stain of blood, dark red on the black asphualt... Tom could see it, he would always see it... His adam's apple bobbed slowly as he found a lump forming in his throat, he wanted to close his eyes, he wanted to look away, but yet he continued to stare. Stare at the asphault, the memory of that day echoing in his mind the images and the sounds vivid.

He shouldn't have come out here, he shouldn't have come back to this place at all... He wasn't ready, he would never be ready...

His palms began to sweat as he closed his hands into fists at his sides gripping the large metal wheels between his fingers, his heart racing, racing so hard, thumping so loudly he swore that even Booker could hear it...

"Tom." Booker felt his own fear rising at the scene unfolding right before him. He couldn't deal with this... he wasn't ready to help him, he could hardly even face him... what the hell was he supposed to do now? Clearing his throat he tried again standing up and taking a baby step toward the frozen man, "Tommy..."

There was still no response. It was like time had stopped, everything had just stopped and gone back to that moment just over three months ago, both men reliving their pain and fear at that moment. Running a hand through his hair he closed the rest of the distance between the two of them. He didn't know why, he didn't want to move closer, he wanted to run away, he didn't want to deal... but strangely here he was at Tom's side looking down at the sweating fear filled figure.

"Come on man." He leaned down his voice shaking as he placed a hand on his shoulder, "Fight it Hanson. Just like before fight it... It's over now." he whispered drawiing his lip into his mouth his knees so weak as he crouched that he hoped they wouldn't give way and send him smacking against the ground.

Bookers voice sounded a thousand miles away, as he fought to hear the words that he knew had to be directed at him, and he wanted to pull himself out of this... he wanted to come back to now, to this moment... insted of that moment, the moment that ruined... shattered his life. But he was drawn to it... Stuck their living it.

Without realizing what he was even Doing dropping to his knees Booker pryed Tom's hand from the wheel closest to him and gripped it tightly feeling it tremble in his grasp, Hanson's eyes never averting from where they were blankly looking.

His panic rising, Dennis growled his eyes reddening, "PENHALLLLLLLL! FULLLLLER!"

Doug's head perked up from where he sat at his desk as he quickly rose to his feet hearing the panic in Booker's voice he headed for the front doors of the chapel.

"Doug no." Fuller quickly stepped in front of him. "Let him deal with whatever is happening out there on his own..."

"Captain I respect what your trying to do but-"

"If you don't let him deal with this now, he's never going to..."

"What if something is wrong?"

"Let him handle it..."

"What?" Doug snapped his voice a growl from inside his throat, "What if Hanson is hurt?"

"Then there would be a lot more screaming then that... now let Booker handle this..."

"He's right Doug." Judy whispered coming up behind the two men, "They need to both get through this... and the best way for them to do that is together..."

"I am Hanson's best friend..." Doug reminded them both quickly eyeing the exit door antsily.

"Yes, but you're not the one who found him... and you have delt with this... He hasn't... You, Hoffs...Ioki and myself, have all delt... we've all been there for him, but now it's Deniises turn."

"I just-"

"You and Hoffs go into my office and find the Milton file."

"Fuller..."

"Now Penhall."

"Come on Doug." Judy's voice was even as she placed a hand on his sholder and turned him around.

"FULLER!" Dennis tried again, "Comeon." He mumbled squeezing Hanson's hand once he realized no one was going to come to his rescue, "It's just a bad dream man, you have to fight it it's no more than a memory..."

"I can't..." Hanson's mouth moved but no more than a breath came out, a deep shallow pained breath of a word. "I feel it..."

"You don't feel anything Tommy." Dennis moved a little closer pulling his hand from Hanson's and gripping both sides of his face, "Look at me Tom... right here, look at me..." he adjusted the other man's face so that they were eye to eye, for the first time having to look, truly look at him. For the time being that thought was pushed to the back of his mind.

"Breathe Tom, take a breath, it's over now... it's just a memory, a very painful memory." He swallowed loudly at that.

Finally Tom's eyes blinked into focus his body visably relaxking, as he exhaled his voice shaking. as he saw Booker Staring worriedly at him his hands shaking on his cheeks... "Dennis?"

"Are you alright?" Booker kept hold of his face.

"I-I... what happened?"

"You don't remember?"

"No." Tom looked around a minute puzzled trying to keep his breaths even... "I remember thinking about the shooting... then...You were here looking at me."

"You blacked out." Dennis let his hands drop, "Are you sure your ok?"

"I think so..."

"Come on lets go back inside, bringing you out here was not a good idea..."

"I'm beginning to think coming back to this place at all was a bad idea." Tom sighed rubbing his brow,

"Have you began seeing anyone about this?"

"Like...a shrink?"

"I guess... yeah."

"I didn't think I needed one..."

The phone on Tom's desk began to ring again Fuller glanced over at it and on the third ring decided to answer walking over and picking it up, "Fuller here."

There was a small pause, "No no, he's on break... can I take a message,...Oh?" The captains brows furrowed as he leaned against the desk. "I thought he already had...I see..." he fiddled with the cord of the phone. "No he will... I'll make sure of it... Today, yes sir...Thanks for calling."

The conversation was short but it was enough to make the captains blood boil as he hung up the telephone. "PENHALL?"


	9. Chapter 9

_Thank you for your replies, and your honesty. As for the confusion some of you were experiancing, that is a good thing, I wanted both Bookers and Hanson's emotions to kind of collide and mesh, because both men we're feeling the same anxiety and pain. At the same time however I will make things a little more distinguishable from here on I promise. _

"What's up captain?" Doug came jogging from his bosses office taking note of the anger in his eyes as he looked at him.

"I just picked up a call for Hanson from the Orthapedic therapy center down on third street..." Fuller's arms were crossed over his chest as he spoke leaning back on the absent Hanson's desk, "They informed me that Hanson has not returned any of their calls, and that when he does happen to pick-up he is refusing treatment..."

"What?" Doug's jaw nearly hit the floor the vien in his forehead pulsating slightly, "Are you sure...?"

"I just got off the phone with them Penhall..."

"I thought that Hanson would be doing everything he could... you know to get better..."

"That's not all." The older man cleared his throat, "I wasn't going to say anything, but this morning I called the department shrink to see if Hanson had had his post shooting evaluation, and Dr. Lantz told me that he had recieved a call from Tommy last week telling him that he felt fine and there was no reason for him to come in..."

Penhall growled deep down in his throat closing his eyes his mind spinning all this information as he let out a small sigh, "Captain..."

"Doug it's procedure for him to be checked out, you know that, I was going to give him some time to settle in, but with this new information... I think that maybe it would be for the best if you talked to him, maybe you can figure out what's going on?"

The aggitated man nodded finally opening his eyes and looking at his captaion as he rubbed his upper lip, "Yeah alright... I'll see what I can do..."

"Do about what?" Both men turned to see that Hanson was now within feet of them, niether one having heard him approach, Booker close behind his face still a little pale.

"I think we need to talk Tom." Penhall tried his best to keep his voice even as he walked behind the man's wheelchair and took the handles turning him around.

"Don't take him outside." Booker mumbled.

"What?"

"Just trust me on that." He conclud3ed before going back to his own desk still slightly shaken up but trying to hide it behind his tough guy image,

"Alright, Captain... can we borrow your office?"

"You want to tell me what this is about before you haul me in there against my will?"

"No." Penhall was already headed back into Fuller's office having recieved a nod of approval.

"Well gee thanks."

"Don't mention it." Doug's teeth were clenched tightly as he pushed him inside and closed the door, Fuller on the other hand walking over to Dennis' desk he leaned against it clearing his throat.

"What's up cap?"

"You alright?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"Because you look like you've seen a ghost."

"I'm fine."

"That's great, now you want to try the truth?"

"I just-"

"Booker"

"Something happened outside that's all... it's over, it's done and I'll get over it."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Are you going to drop it if I say no?"

"No."

"He just... he slipped away." Booker leaned back in his rolling desk chair and looked up at his captain, "It was like one minute he was right there with me, and the next he was somewhere completely different, Kinda got to me thats all..."

"How did you handle it?"

"I just waited it out, didn't know what else to do..."

"I mean how did you handle it emotionally?" Fuller studied him seeing if maybe an answer would come from his body language, but coming up blank he focused back on the young man's eyes. "We're you alright?"

"It wasn't about me, it was about Hanson... He was the one who was shot..."

"And you were the one who found him... You have just as vivid of a memory of that shooting as he does if not more so..."

"What do you want me to tell you Adam?" He leaned forward a little using the captains first name in a moment of anger as he cleared his throat loudly, "You want me to tell you that looking at him is hard, that when I do it turns my stomach so inside out that bile rises in my throat? Or that when I go homr at night I have nightmares over and over about that day and how if I would have gotten there only a few moments sooner I could have saved him? Or how about how every memory that swims in my head? All the painful damn memories that this shooting as brought back to me? Would you like to hear about those?"

"I want to hear about what you want to tell me about what's eating you inside-" Fuller's brows furrowed, "Memories?"

"Forget it alright." Booker was quick as usual to jump on the defensive rising from the seat he had only minutes ago sat himself into, "Look my paperwork is done... And uh I'm going to go have some lunch, I'll be back in a while."

Captain fuller wanted to push this issue, he wanted to find out more now that Booker had slipped, but he let the conversation die... for now, he would press into it later but this was not the time...

"What was that about?" Judy asked coming out of Fuller's office as Doug and Tom had just entered and given her the boot, her eyebrows cocked in curiosity as she pulled the confused man from his thoughts...

"I'm not sure."

"Moving papers and file folders aside Doug took a seat on the desk of the small room giving him leverage on the wheelchair bound man as he looked down at him his eyes laced with confusion and anger. "What the hell is going on with you?" The words seem to just fly fro his lips before he could sugar coat or even stop them from coming out?

"Excuse me?" Hanson cleared his throat his own gaze full of wonder as the two of them locked eye to eye,

"What? Am I not speaking clearly enough for you?"

"Doug I'm not sure what your talking about here..."

"You know full well what I'm talking about."

"Refresh my memory..."

"Alrght,...I can do that," He leaned down slightly his finger pointing toward Hanson in a disapproving and almost judgmental gesture.

"You're avoiding your doctor's and the department shrink,"

"What?" Hanson's eyes grew wide in a false wonderment, "Doug I-"

"Don't bullshit me Hanson, Fuller answered your phone, the talked to the orthapedic center... And this morning when he called for your psych evaluation Dr. Lantz told him about your phone call..."

"I-" Tom found his eyes finally shifting from the now inferiated man, "I just haven't had time alright?"

"That's bull I know it and so do you, you've had nothing but time... I come to your house everyday and you've never once said anything to me about either subject!"

"I was going to I just-"

"You just what Hanson? You forgot? Did it slip your mind? Did you suddenly forget that you were shot in the back?"

"STOP!"

"Tell me Hanson, why didn't you tell me about these appointments why don't you want to go?"

"I didn't feel like it alright!"

"HANSON!"

"WHAT?"

"TELL ME!"

"BECAUSE I'M NOT CRIPPLE!" He growled his own hanger now pilling over his glare turning icy, "And I refuse to let them treat me like one."

"What?" Penhall found himself speechless as he took note through the anger of a glimpse of pain,true emotional pain in his best friends eyes, "Hanson y-"

"I'm not going to go to some...some doctor whose going to degrade me anymore than everyone already does, some guy whose going to... to degrade me... and- and lay me down like- like a fucking infant doug, roll me around and fucking teach me to walk like a child... I already get enough of that and I won't do it... I won't..."

"That's not how those places are..."

"How the hell would you know!"

"I wouldn't... really... but they are designed to help you..."

"More like humiliate me."

"I know this is hard Tom."

"You don't know anything." Tom spat, "Don't act like you do, you don't know what it's like to piss on yourself, they have a damn tube going down my leg Doug a tube because I can't even tell when I have to go to the bathroom, you don't know what it's like to have to wait for someone to comeand take you out of bed, to help you cook your meals and do your damn laundry... to drive you everywhere and do everything for you you don-"

"Then do something about it." Penhall's voice was cold defiant and low as he spoke his finger now digging into Hanson's chest, "Because avoiding it isn't going to make it go away, pretending that nothing happened doesn't mean it never did."

"I can't..."

"You won't."

"Why are you-"

"Why?" The other man cut him off with a sour chuckle a mean forced sour chuckle, "Why the hell do you think?" He snapped, "I am not going to watch you waste away in the damn chair Hanson, I can't... I refused a new partner, I told Fuller, I made Fuller bring you back here, because you.. you Tomas Hanson are my damn partner, and if your not then no one ever will be again."

"You made him put me back in Jumpstreet."

"This is where you belong, this is what you love... and it you can't see that maybe your not just paralized maybe your blind too..."

"I want to be here...I want my life back... you know that"

"I thought I did, but so far all yourshowing me is that you want to pity yourself and wait around on a hope that someday your just going to maraculously get up and walk again, but thats not how it works,... you don't want to put the work in to get better, you just want it to happen man, and it won't."

"I shouldn't have to put the work in,"

"You're right, you shouldn't have to, and it's not fair, but it's life no matter how much it sucks... it is what it is..."

"What if I can't... I mean what if I never walk again? What if I can't do it? What if I fail what then? Are you going to keep pushing me..."

"Yes..."

"For how long?"

"Until you do. You're going to walk again."

"How can you be so sure?"

"How can you not be?"

"I don't want to fail." Hanson repeated emotion causing his voice to wavier momentarily,

"You won't... you can't."

Tom exhaled loudly but dodn't respond putting his head in his hands and running his fingers through his hair he repeated this motion a few times before leaning back in his chair his eyes closed suddenly his body felt exhausted, or maybe this time it was his mind more than anything else...

"I can't force you to do anything." Penhall finally broke the silence rising up from his seat on the desk and crouching down to be eye level as he rested his hands on Tom's knees even though he couldn't feel them... it just seemed like the right thing to do, "No one can... but if this... if this is what you want, to rot in that chair and waste away into nothingness, then I can't stand by and watch you either..."

With that the conversation was over as he rose to his feet and walked past the deep in throught man resting a hand on his shoulder as he mo moved toward the door, he hoped, he prayed that he had done some good, but the truth was... he just didn't know anymore.

Doug's hand was on the doorknob now half way turned in his grasp when a muttered reply came from across the room. "I'll go." Tom's voice was hardly a whisper.

"What?"

"I'll go." He repeated a little louder this time, "If you think it will help... I'll go."

A smile crept across Doug's lips. "Good."

"Yeah."

"Hanson?"

"Hmmm?"

"You're going to the shrink too,..."

"Doug I-"

"You're going."

"Fine."


	10. Chapter 10

"Did you tell Fuller?" Hanson's eyebrows wrinkled as he finished signing the last of the files on his desk pushing it to the corner of the desk, the whole Chapel now dark aside from the lamps on his and Penhall's desk.

"I did..." Doug nodded rising from his chair with a strech and a yawn, "You ready to go?"

"Yeah." Tom leaned down letting his brake off and pulling around the desk's front, "What did he say?"

"What did you expect him to say? By all right he should have suspended you until you agreed to go, but he figured, you know with everything you've been through he would give you a little lead way,..."

"Does that mean I don't have to-"

"I already told you you're going now that's the end of it alright?"

"Yeah, yeah." Tom grunted shaking his arms out, I never knew that working on paper work all day could make your arms hurt so bad..."

"Is that your way of asking me if I'll push you?"

"You mind?"

"Of course not."

"Booker does." Hanson mumbled after a few seconds. "Where did he go today? I never saw him come back after lunch..."

"I dunno... I just, I think he's having a harder time with this than even you..." Penhall cleared his throat unsure if he should have said that the way he had..."I mean-"

"It's alright Doug... Has he you know seen someone?"

"Booker? Come on man pulling his teeth out would be an easier task then getting himto a shrink... You know he's a lot like you in that way..."

"Gee thanks."

"I'm not kidding." He opened Hanson's car door quickly and began to undo his feet trying to keep the other man's attention on the conversation and not his surroundings,

"Does anyone know why he's acting this way?" Tom swollowed and then shook his head a little catching on to what Penhall was doing he closed his eyes and then opened them again.

"You okay?"

"Yeah... just keep talking alright?"

"Okay... No no one does,..."

"Maybe we could...No"

"What Hanson, maybe we could what?"

"We could pull his file... see what it says in there..."

"I dunno man..."

"Look, Doug.. I caused this, in someway this is my fault. I have to fix it, and in order to fix it I need to know what I broke,"

"The mess in his head is not your fault."

"No... Not all of it, but some of it. Besides, he needs help, I've seen the way he looks at me, the pain ya know? I just... he saved my life man, now I need to save his..."

"Are... are you sure this is something you want to dig into? I mean you have enough on your plate right now as it is I don't thi-"

"Doug."

"What?"

"Can you honestly tell me you don't want to help him..."

"Well-"

"He saved my life man,"

"Alright... Alright we'll see what we can do."

"Thanks."

"You owe me." Penhall grunted as he slowed at the red light,

"Just add it to the list man, I'm going to be repaying you until the day I die for everything you have done for me."

"You'd do the same for me right?"

"Well... I don't think I could lift you man, but everything else yeah..."

"What time is the nurse coming tonight?"

"She's not."

"Oh?"

"I gave her the night off..."

"Her or you man?"

"Both... I swear if I had to hear one more of the stories about her grandson..."

Penhall chuckled loudly shaking his head as he pulled up to Hanson's apartment complex pulling in front a spot now reserved simply for Hanson a "gift" from his land lady.

"I'll call and order a pizza, then I'm gonna go ahead and burrow your shower before it gets here, Harry and I had to chase some guy through Begger Hill only to find out he wasn't even the purp we were looking for..."

"Oh yeah?" Hanson now sat parked next to his sofa TV remote in one hand and coke in the other, "Was he a purp at all?"

"No.. just some kid...He'd lifted a candy bar from the liquor store and thought we were going to arrest him..."

"How red did Harry's face turn this time?"

"Tomato." Doug smirked as he looked through the phone book, "He's still two collars behind Judy..."

"Well tell him I'll donate mine to him, it's not like I need them..."

"Hanson."

"What?"

"Don't say things like that alright?"

"Things like what, it's the truth, and you know it..."

"I'm not listening...lalalala."

"Doug."

"LALALALA"

"Alright, alright, just call and order the pizza already will you?"

"Peppers and sausage?"

"mhmm fine."

"Good."

Once Penahll hung up the phone reciever it was only moments before he had grabbed a spare change of clothes he kept in Tom's room and was in the bathroom to take his shower. It use to be a very spacious place, enough room to move around strech out and feel comfortable... but not anymore. It was now cluttered with bars, a shower chair and other small devices that would help Hanson at least feel a little more independant when it came to the bathing aspect of his life.

Hanson grunted as he heard the shower start just as the phone began to ring, he knew he was purposely capable of answering it himself, he just... didn't want to. "PENHALL!"

Doug growled sticking his head out of the shower only a slight case of worry in his voice "WHAT!"

"PHOOONE"

His teeth gritted together and he sneered out loid even though he knew his partner wouldn't be able to hear him. " I AM NOT AN ANSWERING SERVICE!"

Tom groaned taking his break off and shaking his head, he hated wheeling this damn thing on the carpet, "alright alright I'll get it..." He was glad no one was there to hear the whine in his voice, "Hello?"

"Hey Hanson.."

"What's up Iokage?"

"I just thought I would call and see what you were doing..."

"You mean your calling to check up on me after my first day back?"

"And that." The other man sighed knowing he had been caught.

"I'm fine Harry really."

"Are you up for some company?"

"I got some." Tom rubbed his temple as he listened in the distance to Doug breaking out into his favorite Opera tune yet again.

"Penhall?"

"Is it ever anyone else?"

"Well you know maybe Jude and I should come by just to keep you from killing him?"

"What am I gonna do run him down with my wheelchair man?"

"You never know... Listen we will stop by the store and pick up some beers then we'll be over alright?"

"I guess..." Hanson's eyes closed in annoyance, he knew his friends were just trying to be nice, that they wanted to spend time with him, and make him feel comfortable... all that stuff, but this was getting quite the bit well... stupid.

"Alright cool, see you soon."

"Yup. I'll call the pizza guy have him add on another pie."

"Awesome."

Hanging up the phone Hanson rubbed the back of his neck and then leaned back in his chair finally opening his eyes, "Great...Just great." he let his eyes fall to the couch and then slowly wonder there way down to the chair he was forced to sit in now every waking moment of his life... What he wouldn't do to just come home... ALONE, one night and plop himself down on that thing. Turn on some bowling drink his beer and live in peace... What he wouldn't give to just be himself again, and not have everyone baby him, wait on him and worry over him like thin glass they are afraid will shatter.

"I'm gonna do it." He mumbled rolling himself over to the couch, "I'm gonna sit there...It's my couch these are my legs and I don't need everyone to wait on me like some... some imbisile... I can do this."

Leaning down he felt his stomach rise in his throat as he undid his left leg and lifted it up off the foot holder letting it hang there like the dead limb that it was. Then the right, same response... it hung like a stiff and lifless bat from a tree limb...

"You can do this..." He repeated again and brought his top half up right again to undo his lap belt, his eyes shooting from the couch in front of him to the chair he sat in then back again several times. "It's not that far..." he popped his neck and cleared his throat. His pulse was racing, his arms shaking, his heart pounding in his chest, he could feel the sweat beads forming and he hadn't even began to move yet.

Drawing his lip into his mouth he put one hand on each side of the chair and pushed himself up his upper body muscles tightening panic took him over as he felt his right hand slipping and pushed himself up and forward toward the couch...

Before he could stop it or even slide back into it though the chair behind him flipped backwards against his body wieght and down he went hitting the ground with a thud that had he still lived upstairs would have alarmed his neighbors. "DAMNIT!"

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Feeling horrible about his sudden exit, Bookers stomach turned as he pulled up in front of Hanson's apartment and taking in a deep breath, he had spent the rest of the afternoon and all evening walking along the beach, something that normally would make him feel better... Not this time though, his heart still felt heavy... And now he feared the others were mad at him as well, he knew he was being an asshole, he knew that he should try a little harder to get past this, but he couldn't not with the past that he had lived and the things that had happened to him, to those he loved.

Still though he knew that his personal feelings and his inner termoils didn't give him the right to make Hanson feel bad, to pull away from him, and his friends this was his to deal with and no one elses...

Climbing out of the car he closed the door and jogged up to the enterance to the building, he knew Hanson's new apartment building because when Hanson had first come home from the hospital Judy tried to get him to go visit no less than ten times a day... He never did though.

Third door on the right... He stood in front of it and fiddled with the edge of his jacket, the small amount of nerves he had had were suddenly gone, he was a bucket odf shaking limbs as he turned to leave only making it two steps toward the door when he heard the loud thud followed by Hanson's profane scream.

"Hanson!" He took a gaint step back to the door and didn't even bother to knock as he threw it open and stepped in his stomach diving into his throat..."Wh-what happened?" He took a few steps in the direction of the man now crumpled on the floor looking up at him his legs twisted beneathe him...

"I-I'll get it..." Hanson's cheeks were red with anger and embarrassment, his hands now shaking quite a bit worse, he knew he looked like a helpless flopping fish there on his rug.

"Where's Penhall!" Booker found everywhere to look but down at theman on the floor now letting his eyes drift away unable to look at him any longer...

"He's in the shower." Tom mumbled, "I think he fell asleep, he stopped singing about 10 minutes ago."

"He didn't hear you?"

"Guy can sleep through a hurricane..."

"Well... Let me um let me...here..." His hands shook as he took them from his pockets, their tremble matching Hanson's he closed the distance between them.

"You don't have to..."

"I-I want to..."

Bullshit."

"Okay...I don't want to as in I like it, but you can't get up off the damn floor on your own and if that didn't wake Penhall there is no way I can..."

"Dennis."

"Stop." Dennis kneeled down, "I'm helping you now... can I hurt you?"

"I don't think so..."

"Alright." Booker rose to his feet and then moved Hanson's chair standing behind his head and lifted him half upright by his shoulder blades, "Y-you still good?" He swollowed down the taste of vomit in his throat.

"Yeah..."

"What the hell happened here man?"

"I just I wanted to sit on my sofa..."

"But you have a-"

"I know Booker, I just I wanted to do something on my own alright?"

"Okay, okay...I just- I'm not to sure how to..."

"PENHALL!"

"You said yourself he won't hear you...I'm gonna have to get you up there..."

"He heard me the first time..."

"Was he sleeping then?"

"Well no..." Hanson nodded., "I'm really sorry about this."

"Yeah." Dennis bit his lip for about the twenty-third time as he hauled him up by his waist without thinking about it, not thinking about who was in his arms, not thinking about what he was just doing... just doing it.

Locking Hanson against him chest to chest with one hand he squatted slightly and used the other hand to lift his legs before taking a single step and placing him on the couch... "You alright? Did I hurt you?"

Hanson shook his head to embarrassed to say anything, and Booker swore he saw a tear in his eye but didn't push the issue as he walked over and lifted up the still tilted wheelchair pushing it against the wall...

"You um you comfortable? Do you need something?"

"No." Tom's voice was a whisper...

"Well then I'm gonna uh go..." Dennis needed to get out of there, it seemed like everytime he was around there was disaster in tow and he couldn't handle that, and he knew Hanson couldn't either...

"Dennis..."

"Yeah?" Booker turned from where he now stood in the doorway.

"Why are you here... did you need something?"

"No... no nothing forget about it alright?"

"Dennis."

"I just wanted to check on you..."

"No you didn't... You didn't come by not once since the accident before tonight, you need something... Now what do you need?"

"I don't know. I just I guess I wanted to apologize..."

"You didn't do anything.."

"I've been an asshole." Booker shoved his hands back into his pockets and fished for his cigarettes, "Look we can uh talk tomorrow alright?"

"If that's what you want." Hanson ran a hand through his hair, "You can stay if you want though, the pizza guys gonna be here soon, Harry and Jude too..."

"Nah..."

And before Hanson could say another word the man in the doorway disappeared leaving the door slightly open.

Minutes later Tom heard the door to the bathroom open and Penhall's head come from around the corner, his eyes grew wide as he looked to see his best friend laying on the sofa... "Hanson?"

"Yeah?"

"Ho-how did you? Are Harry and Judy here" his face wrinkled in confusion.

"Noooo"

"Then how did you-..."

"Booker."

"Booker?" Penhall cleaned out his ear with his finger thinking maybe he heard wrong opening the door slightly wider, "Dennis Booker?"

"Yeah..."

"Is he still here?"

"Nope he left."

"He came here, took you out of your chair put you on the couch and then took off again?"

"something like that..."

Doug tucked his wet hair behind his ear and closed the bathroom door the look of confusion on his face now worse than it was in the beginning of their conversation...a side effect that came with being Hanson's best friend.

_Thank you all so much for your reviews, I really enjoy knowing what you are thinking while yo;u read... I like to know all of it, the good the bad and the ugly...So keep them coming._

_Thanks again_

_Rosebud_


	11. Chapter 11

_First off thank you all soooo much for your reviews and your honesty! It means a lot to me knowing that so many people are enjoying reading this story as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Secondly I apologize for how long it has been between updates. Alot has been going on. _

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Hanson waited nervously in the waiting room of the department shrinks office, Doug of course at his side. He didn't want to be here, he knew he needed to be, his job depended on it, but that didn't make the task at hand any easier.

"Maybe we could reschedule for tomorrow." He mumbled clearing his throat his hands fiddling nervously in his lap.

"Hanson." Penhall sighed rubbing the small amount of stubble on his chin. "You know you have to do this."

"Yeah, but does it really matter if I do it today or tomorrow?"

"Yes... Because tomorrow you're going to have some reason why you should do it on Thursday then Thursday you're going to have some reason why you should do it on Friday and then on Friday you're going to-"

"Alright... Alright I get the point..."

"Besides, what's the big deal? You go in there you talk to her for an hour or so and then you don't have to come back again..."

"Unless she decides otherwise..."

"I don't think she will, you seem to be coping with this pretty well..."

"Pretty well huh?"

"Well you know-"

"No I-"

"Officer Thomas Hanson!" The two men's fastly approaching argument was interupted by the short slightly larger gray haired woman's voice as she stuck her head out the door.

"You're up..."

Tom nodded the fear now substancially more evident in his features as he leaned down and released his brakes, "Don't leave me here alright?"

"I won't man, I'll be sitting right here when you come out..."

Another nod. "Okay."

"Just relax alright, you're going to be fine..."

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Tom felt an uneasiness course through his viens as he now sat in the small office of _Dr. James Caldwell, _The most recent Department Psych. It seemed like there was always a new Doctor, of course it wasn't hard to figure out why... This Job had to defiantely take a lot out of you, listening to people bitch and moan all the time. Tom admitted he wouldn't ever take such a job no matter how much money he was offered.

Looking around the musty smelling dark room he closed his eyes and drew in as deep a reath as he could manage, he knew that being here meant he was going to have to open up... He hated opening up to even his cloest friends... let alone some stranger... He was going to have to talk about things he wanted nothing more than to forget and feel things he never wanted to feel again.

His throat clenched as he heard the door open behind him signaling that Dr. Caldwell was entering the room. A vile taste entered his mouth and no matter how many times he swollowed it didn't seem to go away, if anything it just kept getting stronger and stronger.

"Good morning Officer Hanson." The man who appeared to be no older than 45 smiled graciously as he stepped behind his large oak desk before extending his hand.

"Good morning Dr. Caldwell" Tom knew his palms were sweating as he leaned forward slightly and placed his hand inside the older man's giving it a nice firm shake...

"Oh please call me Jim."

"alright... Jim."

"You are quite the hard man to get a hold of." He chuckled as he took a seat in the large black leather chair.

Hanson's shoulders shrugged as he gave a small curious smile, "Been busy I guess..."

The doctors head bobbed in understanding, "So I've heard, I've spoken with your captain a few times and he has informed me that you are back at the chapel..."

"Yeah... well you know, I'm not on field duty or anything just... Desk work, filing reports answering phones stuff like that."

"And how does it feel to be back there?"

"It has it's moments..." Dr. Caldwell watched Tom's whole deminor change as he spoke his shoulders slumping slightly his body shifting. "Sonme days are better than others I suppose, but my fellow officers... My Friends, they have made it as easy as possible on me,"

"And how Have you made it on yourself Tom?"

Oh no here comes the psych, mind reading bullshit questions, Tom thought to himself clearing his throat... "What do you mean?"

"It must not be easy for you going back to the place where the 'accident' occured..."

"First of all it was not an accident doctor... someone shot me alright? They didn't hit me with their car or accidently push me down a flight of stairs they shot me... and secondly I wouldn't be back there if I weren't ready..."

"3 months is not a whole lot of time to let yourself heal Tom..."

"I wanted to come back, I didn't want to sit around and feel sorry for myself anymore..."

"And did you do that alot after the shooting?"

"Wouldn't you?"

"I suppose I would yeah... I think though that I would find myself more angry... and maybe even a little scared that it might happen again..."

Tom could feel the doctor's eyes piercing him, as though they were trying to get inside him, see something that wasn't there... read him and his private thoughts... It would have sent a chill down his spine had he actually been able to feel it. "I'm angry... if that's what you want to hear, of course I'm angry... I keep thinking about all sorts of different things you know? Like If I had turned around, could I have seen them coming and maybe stopped them, or maybe if I had left the house five minutes earlier... But... I didn't and this happended and now I have to live with it..."

"And how do you feel about the fact that the man or.. men who did this to you are still out there?"

"You've got to be kidding me." Tom hissed in a mumble, he couls feel his anger rising up inside him like a pot of water he was quickly reaching his boiling point... What kind of question is that? "How do you think I feel?" His teeth were now grinding against eachother as he let his eyes fall from Dr. Caldwell's face down into his lap. "I want to catch this asshole and watch him burn for what he's done..."

The sound of the doctor's pen against his small yellow tablet rang through Tom's ears like church bells on a sunday morning as his eyes shot back up and he watched the blonde haired man's hand move back and forth.

"Captain Fuller told me that there have been a few episodes around the work place since you've been back... would you like to tell me about those?"

"Episodes?" Tom's brow cocked and he smirked, "Ypu mean my spazz attacks?"

"If that's what you want to call them." Dr. Caldwell folded his hands in front of him and leaned closer to Hanson, almost as though he were a school boy waiting to hear a story.

"I just... I've blacked out a few times, you know... memories, there isn't to much to tell there doc."

"Do these happen often?"

"Not so much anymore... I guess..."

"And what were those like for you?"

Tom shook his head at the question and then exhaled in an annoyed manner rubbing his eyes... "Um... Well I don't really remember them to much, but sometimes I'd be doing something... like my first day back about a week and a half ago, I went outside with Booker-"

"Officer Dennis Booker?"

"That's the one."

Another note was now being scribbled down, "Do you often hang around with Officer Booker?"

"No." Tom scowled, "I mean sometimes, you know were friends and all... Do you want to hear this story or not?"

"Yes I'm sorry continue please..."

"So yeah, Booker and I were outside... And we were in the parking lot, you know where the shooting occured... And I remember suddenly I just I got real cold you know like someone had pumped ice into my viens... no matter how much I tried to fight it, I just I couldn't..."

"Tried to fight what Tom?"

"The feelings... these feelings, and I wanted to look away, but I couldn't, and before I knew it it was like I was waking up from some sort of Dream... Dennis was crouched down next to me, asking me if I was alright... and i didn't remember any of what had happened..."

"Can you tell me more about these feelings?"

"More like memories I guess, you know... fear, pain... that kind of stuff... But that had to be the worst one, the rest we're just little flashes you know, piece of what had happened..."

"And how often do you see these pieces?"

"Not often..." Tom rolled his neck from side to side finding this situation growing more and more uncomfortable by the minute, "The doctor in the hospital toldme to expect them, he said that they would pass with time, and things would get better... said they were normal..."

"He's right..."

"Then why are you asking me so many questions about them?"

"Officer Hanson." The man rose from his seat and walked around to the front of the desk sitting on it's edge, "I can see how uncomfortable this is for you... But i need you to understand that my job is to simply make sure that your mind is alright, that you're well enough to go back to work, the last thing that anyone wants to see is something happen out therethat could have been prevented.,..."

"Out where Doc? I'm on desk duty and everyone is walking around me like I'm some sort of glass that they are afraid of breaking..."

"Does that bother you?"

"Of course it does... I mean I just want them to treat me like they use to, but insted all they do is ask me if I'm alright... or if I need anything... they crowd around me like an infant waiting to take care of me..."

"Have you talked to them about this?"

"No... I mean not really, I just figured that they do it because they worry... They want to help, even though there is not much they can do..."

"Well maybe you should try talking to them, ask them to back up a little give you some breathing room..."

"I don't want to piss them off..."

"They will understand..."

"Yeah?"

"Of course. Tom it is perfectly normal for you to want to find your independance again... But-"

"There is always a but with you guys isn't there?"

"But, you also need to realize that you're not who you were and that sometimes even though you don't want to ask for it, you're going to need their help..."

"I guess it's a two way street eh?"

"That's exactly what it is..." The doctor extended his hand. "Listen Tom, you seem to be handeling things well. so I'm going to go ahead and conclude my report for the time being, but please,... if you need something. If you feel like things are becoming to much, or you need to talk contact me alright?"

"Thanks Jim." Tom smiled feeling a wave of relief wash over him as he nodded shaking the other man's hand, it was almost as though a two ton brick had been lifted from his shoulders and somewhere off in the distance, he could see that eventually everything was going to be alright...


	12. Chapter 12

_Thanks again for the feedback you guys are awesome! _

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"Did you get it?" Tom asked glancing up at his front door as he heard it jiggle Doug using his own key insted of bothing to knock...

"Well hello to you too..." Doug smirked taking his key out of the door and closing it behind himself.

"I just saw you two hours ago, but hello... So did you get it?"

"Of course I got it." He nodded walking over and setting the manilla colored folder in his partners lap.

"How?"

"The same way you git your hands on the Nelson file..."

"You know if Fuller finds out we're going to be in a whole lot of trouble don't you?"

Penhall smirked and leaned down to pick the file back up. "Well if that's the way you feel-"

"Hey!" Hanson batted his hand away, "I was just saying..." He cleared his throat opening the file, "Let's see what we have in here..." He looked up at his friend, "Did you read it yet?"

Penhall's head shook back and forth, "Nah I glanced to make sure it was the right one, but I didn't want to look to suspicious so I brought it right back here to you..."

Tom nodded then looked back at the pages in his grasp, "Officer Daniel Booker... Honorable discharge" He read outloud as Doug took a seat on the sofa caddy corner to his friend leaning forward in intrest, "1975..."

"What for?"

Holding up one fnger Tom's eyebrows wrinkled as he read over the words drawing his lip into his mouth his breath slightly caught in his throat as he turned the page.

"Come on Hanson..." The eager man tried to lean forward more to get a peek nearly falling off the cushion and landing on the floor in the process, "What's it say?"

Tom looked up from the papers his skin slightly paled fron the things he had just read.

"What!" Doug reached over taking the file from Tom's lap and turning the page back he began to read outloud from the newspaper clipping stapled to it.

"On the morning of July sixth ninteen seventy-five officers Grey and Thompson were disbatched to 1649 Clearview Drive at aproximately 9:23 am." He stopped a moment to whipe his hands on his pants leg before continuing. "After recieving a call from headquarters about a disturbance in the area, the two men arrived on the scene to find Officer Daniel Booker laying in the front yard surrounded by his son, Dennis Booker age nine and wife Claire Booker age forty-one.

"Officer Booker had been shoot in the back a centimeter and a half below his neck and was no longer concious when the Grey and Thompson arrived."

Penhall swallowed a few time before continuing letting his eyes wonder up to Hanson... the man in the chair next to him had his head down and was listening as though he himself had not read it and was hearing the information for the first time. Penhall took notice of the shaking in Tom's hands and frowned...

"Maybe we shouldn't be reading this..."

"Keep going."

"Tom."

"Read it Doug."

Doug nodded and rubbed the back of his neck with his fingers before turning the page to finish reading the report. "Police statements filed by his wife later informed local police that the off duty officer of nearly 20 years had been outside that morning playing ball with his son when a couple of local thugs, later identified as Curtis J. Matthews and Ricardo L. Bennis, had driven by and began shooting at the two persons in the front yard.

"Matthews and Bennis both 22 from the near by neighborhood of Sun Valley had only been released from jail forty-eight hours earlier and Officer Booker was the arresting officer in the drug trafficing case.

"Mrs. Booker said that she heard the gun fire from where she stood in the laundry room of the familes small two bedroom home and came running to find her husband lying face down his head craddled in her son's lap. 'I don't think Dennis really knew what was going on... His father had jumped on him to shield him from the bullets... and then the next thing he knew his daddy wasn't breathing anymore and he was bleeding...' the distrought woman told police... 'He kept crying...Daddy wake-up daddy please wake-up even as the ambulances arrived and forced him to move away.

"Paramedics were able to-to revive..." Doug cleared his throat and whipped at his face trying to swallow the lump that had quickly formed there, "Paramedics were able to revive the 42 year old officer and he was quickly transported back to County General where he died nearly thirteen days later from a laceration in his abdomen that had gone unnoticed by the doctors...

"Booker had regained conciousness only three days before his passing and although he was paralized from the neck down was said to be in good spirits as he was surrounded by his friends and loved ones on July nineteenth ninteen seventy five at 7:36 am.

"There will be a purple heart ceremony this upcoming saturday the twenty-third to present the officers wife and son with the award of bravery and honor..."

"Wow..." Doug closed the file as Tom finally looked up from the spot in his lap he had been staring at his eyes meeting his partners, "That must have been horrible.."

Bitting his finger nail Hanson nodded, "I mean... I lost my father, but I wasn't there when it happened and he didn't... I mean they told Booker's family that everything was going to be ok, that he was going to live... then he was gone."

"Do you think that that's why he has trouble being around you?"

"Of course it is... I mean he found me too you know?"

"But you're not dead..."

"Doesn't matter..." Tom ran his hands through his hair exhaling a deep breath.

"So the quesion now is... how do we fix it?"

"I don't think we can."

"Then what do we do? Talk to him?"

"NO!" Tom shook his head, "We can't... he'll know we read the file..."

"True... Do you think there is another way... to you know make him open up about this?"

Tom didn't answer right away lost in his own thoughts momentarily the story Penhall had just read was still ringing true inside of him... that could of been him they were discribing... He could have died. His son, sure he didn't have one... but if he did his son craddling his head... His wife crying... And for a moment he felt truly thankful to be alive... That of course was fallowed by a severe feeling of guilt."

"Earth to Hanson!" Doug's hand was now waving in front of his eyes in a quite annoying gesture.

"Stop that," He grunted smacking him.

"Sorry man... but what are we going to do?"

"Wait..." Tom's voice was hardly a whisper.

"Wait?"

"Yes Doug, we are going to wait... He's going to have to come around sometime... Especially with me in his life as much as I am..."

"But you're not-"

"I will be..."

"I don't think I fallow you here..." Penhall's face was masked with confusion as he fiddled with the corner of the file in his hands.

"I'm going to help him Doug." Tom nodded, "I'm going to help him get past this... this fear he still has of his father, these memoried he holds on to like bricks piled on his back... I'm going to push and push until he bursts at the seems with an emotion he never wanted to feel again."

Doug's head nodded... "Why?"

"Because the only way to concur a fear is to face it..."

Penhall smiled a little, that was perhaps the smartest thing he had ever heard Tom say... and Tom had said a lot of smart things in the five or so years that Doug had known him... He couldn't help but think to himself that maybe this wasn't only going to be good for Booker, but Hanson as well had a few fears he would have to face to pull this off...

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_There it is... I'm not to sure how I feel about this part, I'm trying to push all the thoughts and ideas I have for this story out right on to the page but sometimes I'm afraid I'm going to bore you and that y'all will lose interest._


	13. Chapter 13

"I don't want to do this..." Tom groaned as Doug pushed him toward the local theraputic center.

"Don't you think you've put it off long enough?"

"Well...No."

Doug simply sighed and shook his head as he opened the door for the two men to enter. "to bad... Now I'm going to go check you in don't try to speed off I always was faster than you, and I still am..."

"In your dreams."

"Whatever..."

As he watched Penhall head toward the check in window Hanson felt the butterflies return to his stomach... He had been so nervous the night before he doubted he even slept an hour, this was it the defining moment that proved him a cripple...An incompatent... A helpless... And he was having more than a little trouble dealing with that. Captain Fuller, Ioki... Hoffs, Blowfish, even Booker and of course Penhall had all conspired against him, thats how it felt... Their speeches... Thier little comments, he knew there would be no shutting them up until he met with this damn doctor.

But didn't he gat a say so in this? Didn't he gat a choice? It was after all his life... Even if people seemed to be living it for him these days. It all made him so sick he could hardly find it inside him to breathe... Lately he had even began to wonder if maybe it would have been better if the bullets that shot into his back hadn't only taken his legs, but taken his life as well...

His palms were sweating now as he looked around the white walls of the room that was suddenly seeming smaller by the minute, there was only one other set of people in the room, sitting in the chairs on the far side of the room obviously waiting for someone inside... Someone who he wondered if like himself was a tortured soul with no where to turn, no say so in the things they do... and who they were anymore...

Penhall watched the look on his best friends face as he took a seat down next to him, but he chose not to say anything,... After all what could he say? There was nothing... Hanson needed to be here, he needsd to face up to the physical aspects of his recovery and no matter how tough it was Doug would push him to the breaking point to force him to do so.

"Doug?" Hanson cleared his throat coming out of the thoughts inside his head and back into reality once he finally noticed the chair next to him was now filled...

"Hmmmm?"

"What do you think is the story of those people over there?"

Dougs brows furrowed, "What?... Man I don't know... Why?"

"Just wondering I guess..." Tom answered after a moment... "You know don't you do that sometimes, think about the people around you?"

"Not really... But I guess they are here for help like you."

"Yeah..." He rolled his neck from side to side and then went silent again, normally the two men would never let a moment of quiet between them... There was so much to talk about things to be said... But right now none of those seemed appropriate or even important.

It was a good five minutes before the door leading into the back section of the building opened and out walked a young girl who could not have been more than 6 he knees wobbled as she balanced on two crutches... Not the type you use when you break your legs... the other kind, the permanent kind... Tom felt a sadness wash over him, his own self pity now accompanied by pity for the small girl with the blonde ringlets in her hair...

But she wasn't frowning... She was actually smiling... Happy... Tom blinked a few times wondering if his eyes were playing tricks on him, how could she be so happy... like that?

As the two people who had been sharing the waiting room with Penhall and him, obviously the young woman's parents rose to their feet, Hanson noticed her smile was now directed his way... "Hi!" She chirped out happily her blue eyes glistening...

"Hi..." Penhall answered first, Tom juust now noticing that he too had taken note and intrest in the child.

"Hi." He let the corners of his mouth curl slightly giving a half smile as he waved lightly.

The little one was not fooled however as her parents and her made their way toward the exit her smile only widened, something Hanson did not think was possible... "Don't be sad..." She said softly, "I was in the wheelchair too... This place is going to help you..."

Toms jaw dropped and he didn't answer as the door closed and the three of them were gone...

"From the mouths of children..." Penhall said a few seconds later patting his friend on the shoulder.

"yeah..." Was the only response he could give as the large wooden door opened and a middle aged woman came to the enterance.

"Thomas Hanson..." His name rang through the silent air now surrounding him as he looked up to find the small woman with a welcoming smile on her face looking right at... Almost through him.

"That would be him." Doug rose to his feet.

"You can actually wait out here if you like." She said a cetain sing song to her voice and Tom found himself thinking that this woman was way to happy to be working in this kind of job.

"I want him to come with me."

The nurse nodded opening the door a little wider, "Well alright then, as long as your comfortable with it."

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Both men were wide eyed as they looked around the therapy room, all sorts of contraptions and equiptment surrounding them, bars, tables, and even a large whirl pool...

"See this place doesn't look so bad." Penhall offered trying to sound optimistic.

"Wanna switch places if you like it so much?"

"I just meant that you know I think you made it out to be a lot more than it-"

"Excuse me gentlemen..." An older man Tom would guess no younger then fifty and no older than fifty-five interupted clearing his throat. "My name is Larry Carver, and I am going to be Mister Hanson's therapist." He extended his hand first to Doug then to Tom, "And I take it your Hanson?"

"Does he look like he needs therapy to you doc?" Tom's voice couldn't help but sound slightly sarcastic... "Of the physical sort I mean." He smirked.

"I suppose not."

"So uhhhh, what do you do here?" Penhall chose to ignore the last comment that seemed to fly so easily from his friends mouth sticking his hands in his pockets as he often did and shrugging his shoulders...

"We get your friend here back on his feet..."

"Yes, I gathered that Doctor Carver... But how?"

"Please call me Larry..." The man insisted

Tom snickered to himself, why was it that men who always intruded on your life and came in to wreck it without warning always insisted you call them by their first name?

"Alright, Larry... How do you... you know help them?"

"Well... it's quite the complicated process, but most of our patients here are willing to work as hard as they possibly can to better their situation, so they stick with it and they never give up..." He smiled down at Tom, what was meant to be a warm and genuine smile, but to the man in the chair appeared to be evil and almost so cold a chill ran up his spine... "First we are going to have to assess the damage... Tom's chart says that the accident was over four months ago, so we are off to a little bit of a late start... However not to worry... I'm sure we can work it out and get things progressing quick enough to satisfy all of us..."

"Right." Hanson mumbled under his breath with a sigh leaning back in his chair as he was greeted with a hard nudge in the shoulder by Penhall who was listening intensely to the doctor's words.

"And then..." The doctor cleared his throat adjusting his white over coat and pretending not to have heard the snyde remark. "Then we will begin therapy... more than likely we can get started today... A few simple streching excersises is probibly the best place to start. I know that there is an in home nurse who visits you Tom, and some of these are similar to the ones she does... but many are also different..."

"I see..." Doug nodded understandingly, "and then what?"

"Well then depending on his progression rate in a few months hopefully we can have him begin some of the harder work outs like the bars and the leg braces, we have many pieces of equiptment here that we will use to simulate standing... and then hopefully walking and help regenerate the nerve and muscle tissues..."

"I'm sorry did you say months?"

"Well these things take time... and effort Tom... therapy isn't just something you can do two or three times and then find yourself doing the jig in the middle of the street..."

"I don't want to do the jig..." Hanson snapped, "I just want to get back to my life... my job..."

"I thought your file said you were already back to work?"

"I am... filing papers and answering phones! I want on my feet again, out in the field where I belong!"

"And you will be..." Doug nodded, "Just give it time man..."

"I don't have time..."

"Of course you do!"

"Oh yeah? Well whose to say there won't be another 'accident'? And that next time I won't die? No one has time Penhall No one is garunteed anything... Now I want out of this damn chair and I want out as soon as possible so that I can live my life the way I want to not the way everyone else wants me to!"

"Tom calm down man..."

"Don't tell me to calm down..." It was as though something inside the now red eyed man snapped. Maybe it was his surroundings, looking at all these things... these contraptions... all ment to help but only making life seem more unbareable for those locked inside. Or maybe it was the thoughts of Booker and his father that were etched in his mind... Or the words of that little girl in the waiting room playing over and over in his mind like some never ending record of a lie... He didn't want to be like her, it broke his heart to even look at her he wanted to be himself... The man who could hop through the window of his mustang... Hell the man who could drive his mustang, chase down criminals and do anything he wanted...

"Maybe I should give you two some time?" The doctor watched the scene unfolding before him, and didn't know if he really wanted to stick around for the second act, "I'll be right over here when you guys are ready to proceed."

"Thank you doctor." Penhall grunted and kneeled down in front of his friend, "What the hell is your problem man?"

"You want me to pick just one?"

"That's a start."

"Okay how's this?...SOME STUPID ASSHOLE DECIDES TO SHOOT ME IN THE DAMN BACK AND NOW I HAVE TO SUFFER WHILE HES STILL OUT WALKING THE STREETS..."

"We're going to find him..."

"WHEN?"

"Soon..."

"NO..." Tom cleared his throat lowering his voice as he now noticed all the hospital staff watching him intensley... "No man, soon would have been a day... a week after... Now... Now is to long, face it Penhall your not going to find him."

"We will... but, on the slight chance that we don't... thats still no reason for you to let yourself sit in that chair and rot, turning a rude and cold shoulder to anyone who tries to lend you a hand..."

"I don't need a hand, I need legs!"

"And this place is trying to help you get them!"

Hanson shook his head in defeat, there was no use going around in circles like this, eventually he would give in and Penhall would get what he wanted, that was always how it went down, why should this time be any different?

"Just try it man... Please, just come a few times and then if you really feel like this isn't going anywhere after say 3 months... You can quit without another word from me, and I'll even make the others lay off you as well..."

"3 months?"

"That's the deal dude, take it or leave it..."

"fine." He mumbled.

"What?"

"Okay, fine..."

"Thank you..."

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"Where are Hanson and Penhall today?" Booker tried not to let worry seep through his voice as he tool of his leather jacket and drapped it over the back of his chair before taking the few small step to Judy's desk.

"Hanson has his first therapy session today... So Penhall took him..."

"His first one?"

"Yup."

"Is he alright with it?"

"I guess so..."

"Well didn't you ask him?"

"Well... No..."

"And why not?"

"Just didn't think about it..." Hoffs sighed looking up from the paperwork she was currently scribbling on, "look Booker if you want to know everything so bad why don't you just talk to Hanson about it yourself?"

"I don't really..." The man lied clearing his throat, "I was just.. trying to make conversation that's all..."

"Well can you go make conversation in someone elses ear please? If I don't get these papers done by tonight Fuller is going to have my head..."

"Alright... Alright geez sorry..."

"Just... forget it..." she shook her head in dismissal as the man made his way to the back of the chapel...

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_Thank you all for your wonderful and honest reviews. I am sorry for the length of time it took me to write this darn thing, but with the holidays come Christmas jobs and thats running me about 50 hours a week! But I did my best to get this out for you. You are going to see more of the therepy sessions I promise you as well as a lot of Booker and Hanson interaction. (but remember this is not a slash fiction, so it will not be in the sexual way!). I know that there are sometimes mistakes in my writing and I am doing my best to correct that on this slow old little comp of mine... but I am hoping to have a new one with a grammar and spell checker very soon. It's just hard when you type as fast as I do to sometimes catch your mistakes..._

_I promise it will be no more than a few days before your next chapter I'm already working on it even though it is 230 am darn near._


	14. Chapter 14

_Oh god you all I am so so so so sorry that it took me so long to update my life sort of fell to pieces and it took me a while to find my way back, but I'm here now and I just hope that I have not lost all of my readers and I'm going to attempt to stay on top of this as much as I can I'll be updating every one-two days. Thank you for your kind reviews, and for those of you who think this story is going a bit slow I apologize, I've always been a sucker for details As alwys let me know what you are thinking._

Part 14

Fuller sighed as he placed the phone down and ran a hand over his slightly greying beard. "Rookies" He whispered to himself as he heard a voice that could belong to none other than Douglas Penhall roaring loudly through the chapel. Smiling he shook his head and made his way out of his office wanting to find out how Tom's first session went. "Penhall is there some reason you find it necissary to speak loud enough to shake the chapel walls?"

"No sir..." Doug shook his head taking a seat on the edge of Hoff's desk.

"Where is Hanson?" Fullers brow perked up and he peaked around the room, "I wanted to find out how everything went today."

"He asked if me if I thought you would mind him taking the rest of the day off...And well I told him no, so he asked me to take him home."

"Is he doing alright?"

"I' m not to sure to be honest captain... He seems to be flying off the handle about all of this more and more these days... I don't know how much more he's going to be able to stand before he finally REALLY breaks and we are all left to pick up even more broken pieces... you know?"

Fuller nodded as he turned to see Dennis entering into the chapel carrying three large pizzas. "Lunnnnch" He announced loudly opening one of the boxes and pulling out a slice, before finally noticing that Doug and returned and threre was no sign of Hanson anywhere,... He froze and swollowed before speaking. "Wh-where is Hanson..."

"He's fine Book." Judy reassured him looking up from the pizzas she was staring at trying to figure out which one she wanted a piece of.

"Yeah man, everything is cool, he was a little worn so I took him by his place and he's resting..."

"Oh- Alright." Booker nodded grabbing another slice of pizza and making his way over to his own desk.

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Tom sat in front of the television flipping aimlessly through the channels, it was not like he really wanted to watch TV, it just seemed like the thing to do when you are home alone and there is nothing else you can do... So he passed by a cooking show... Then another cooking show, then some golf... Boring. Boring. Boring. He thought to himself with a sigh finally flicking it off and tossing the remote on to the couch next to him.

Leaning his head back he ran his fingers through his hair and thought about how much had happened, how pathetic his life was now... Exactly how big of a nothing he had become, and he could feel the vomit rise into his throat burning his mouth. All the while the little girl from before and her wisdomly words running through his ind like a broken VCR tape stuck on rewind.

He didn't want to feel anymore, he didn't want this heavy heart of his that now beat slowly in his chest he didn't want these head aching thoughts that devoured his mind or these memories that clogged his throat of air and deprived his lungs of their freedom to breathe. And he most certinly did nbot want to remember that his body was now caged like a broken and helpless animal, that he was uncapable of doing things on his own, and that even as simple of a task as putting on some fresh clothes to taking a shower required assistance these days.

His life was shit... He was shit... He just wanted to numb himself to everything, to all of it... to life.

Reaching down he pulled off his break and slowly the carpet below him getting stuck in his wheels he made his way over to the small liquor stash he kept on the counter in the kitchen... mostly for decoration he had told himself. But not tonight, tonight he was going to forget about everything, about his incompetiance, his failure his pain and his fear... All of it.

Taking the bottle of Jack Daniels down with little difficulty he popped the lid and took a swig straight from the bottle the burrn of the strong liquor flowing down his throat a welcomed sinsation. "Numb me," He whispered a moment later into the silence of his apartment closing his eyes and piutting the bottle to his lips again, "Take away this pain."

11111

Arriving at his apartment Booker shut off his car and hoped out making his way up to his door, it had definatly been a very long day. Putting a cigarette between his lips he lit it jingling the keys into the door lock and forcing the old decrepit warped door to open, "I should really talk to the super about that." He told himself exhaling and laying his keys down on the end table along with his wallet, his lighter, smokes and some change emptying his pockets there just as he always did.

Kicking his shoes off he sat down on the edge of his bed and ran a hand through his hair, the emotions of these past few months were quickly catching up to him like a nipping dog on his tail... It wouldn't be long now before they caught up to him, ripped him apart and left him empty... And even though he knew this full well... He couldn't stop thinking about it, and he sure as hell couldn't talk to anyone about it... He was a tough guy... He had an image to uphold and if any of his friends saw his softer side they would see it as weakness and his tough guy exturuor wiykd be shot to hell...

He couldn't talk to his mom... Everytime they talked about his dad, everytime his name was even mentioned it struck a pain inside her so deep that Dennis could see it oozing from her expressions... in her movements.. but mostly he could just feel it surrounding her, surrounding both of them like a pillowcase smuthering their faces.

He felt sorry for Tom, his heart bled for him, but he didn't know what to do, how to help... Even being around him was a task so hard that it nearly took everything he had just to stay standing. Hanson, by far the best cop he had ever seen... Always by the book always letter perfect paper work, a strong and capable not only cop, but man as well... Shot down and crippled by some punks that they can't even seem to find... some kids who thought that revenge was the best way to go, some snot nosed brats who stole Hanson's life and more than likely did it with a smile on their faces.

Booker felt the anger rising inside him his heart pounding even at the simple thought small beads of sweat formong at his forehead and before he could stop himself he felt his hand connect with the wall a loud smack echoing through the room and his ear.

The ringng of the phone intrupting his thoughts and his anger moments later. "Booker here..." He answered through gritted teeth rubbing his knuckles. "Hanson?... Yeah... Alright... I'll uh I'll be right there okay?" He threw the phone down on to the couch without even disconnecting it and grabbed his keys making his way out of his place with nothing more than his socks on his feet.

TBC. Really soon I promise.


	15. Chapter 15

Bookers heart was racing as he pulled up to Hanson's apartment, the clock on his dashboard reading 2:23 am…. Something had to be wrong, something was definitely wrong. Without even bothering to knock he opened the door and frowned upon entering, an empty Jack Daniels bottle sat like a center piece on the coffee table in the middle of the room. Shaking his head he cleared his throat…. "Hanson!"

"Down er" Came a drunken slur from the kitchen.

_Why couldn't he have called Penhall for this? _Dennis thought to himself making his way into the kitchen and frowning when he saw Tom's chair over turned in the young man sprawled out against the cold tiles like a fish out of water phone and glass both still in hand. "What in the hell are you doing?" He frowned standing with his arms crossed over the man as a father would while disciplining his son.

"Oh hey Book…." Hanson blinked repeatedly before squinting his eyes, "What're you doing here?"

"You called me remember?"

"Ohhh… Yeah…"

"Now back to my first question, what the hell are you doing?"

"I thought I could reach the counter… but BOOM!" the drunk man hiccupped throwing his hands in the air. "I hit the floor like the ton of worthless bricks I am…"

"I should leave you down here and let you wallow in your pity…." Dennis mumbled picking the chair up before crouching down and lifting the other man up by his arm pits… "But unfortunately I can't…."

"You can." Hanson grinned looking up at him, "But you won't!" He wiggled one of his hands loose tapping Bookers cheek a few times lazily.

"Concentrate Hanson!" Dennis growled nearly dropping the other man and stumbling a little to catch his balance, "I need your help here…"

"I'm sorry…"

"No you're drunk man…" He grunted flopping him into the chair. "Can you sit in there…" His brow rose watching him wobble from side to side his head obviously about 30 pounds to heavy for his shoulders.

"My glass is empty." Hanson retorted as though he hadn't even been listening to a word said to him, his lips falling into a frown.

"And it's going to stay that way…. Hanson… Where's Penhall?" Dennis questioned

"I sent him away…."

"Why would you do that?"

"He doesn't understand…."

"Understand what?"

"So many hopes…. So much pushing…. Tom do this…." Hanson hiccupped "Tom do that…."

"Can you help me understand man?"

"I want him to let me give up…. It's simple as that… I'm no good now, defective… And he won't let me alone…"

"He cares about you…"

"He's pushing me…"

"Yes… because he cares about you…."

Hanson shook his head, "No one should care about me,… I'm a horrible cop and an even worse human being."

Booker rolled his head back and forth on his shoulders a frown reaching all the way from his lips to his forehead, Why hadn't Hanson called someone else…. Anyone else? Why did it have to be him? Looking in front of him at his pathetically saddened man he drew his lip into his mouth thinking carefully about what to say next… "That is not true, you are an amazing cop."

"I was…"

"You are- Or you will be again."

"Why do all of you keep saying that? It's over my career is done…."

"Only if you let it be."

"What fucking choice do I have man look at me!"

"I am looking at you…"

"But are you seeing me! Or are you just like everyone else who sees what I was…. What they still want me to be?"

"You're just drunk right now man, why don't we go get you into bed? I'm sure everything will be fine in the morning." Booker began pushing Hanson out of the kitchen and down the hallway toward his bedroom,

"You know what really ticks me off?"

"What's that?"

"They haven't caught the fuckers who did this to me… and they are not going to, and I'm going to have to look over my shoulder… Excuse me my wheelchair back for the rest of my life wondering if someone is coming up behind me to finish the job."

"No one is going to finish the job on you man, look around, you have so many people watching over you,… protecting you there is no way anything like this is going to happen again…" Dennis pulled the comforter down hoisting Hanson up out of the chair and down into the bed.

"Hey Booker?"

"Hmmm?"

"When your dad…. I mean when he was shot…. Did he worry about someone coming after him?"

Dennis froze his eyes growing big as quarters as he swallowed hard it was as though someone…. Something had taken all the air from him… the world around him twisting, spinning and turning…. "How- who told you - who told you about my father?"

"oops….Damn it!" Tom mumbled, if he weren't quite so drunk he was sure he would be embarrassed about his slip up.

"Hanson!"

"I-I read your jacket man… Don't be mad…. Penhall conned the clerk down in records for it… We were worried about you, you know you were acting weird and all…"

"Penhall was in on this too?" He inhaled deeply sitting down on the bed.

"We were worried about you!"

"Yeah, you said that part already."

"Well it's true… I made him do it… I thought that maybe if I knew what had happened to make you act this way… I could help… you know fix it some how."

Booker put his head in his hands without answering, running his fingers over his forehead and through his hair.

"We didn't mean to piss you off…."

A good minute and a half must have passed before he finally answered "You didn't piss me off." He looked up, "It's just that this is mine to deal with you know?"

"You've been dealing with it for over 10 years… don't you think maybe it's time to accept that you can't do it on your own?"

"I'm doing alright…"

"Dennis…"

"What? Like you're one to talk mister I drown my sorrows in booze!"

"It's only been 6 months for me!"

"6 months… 10 years, the amount of time that passes doesn't make a difference the pain is always going to sit in your stomach the memories so vivid you would swear it was only yesterday that it all happened…."

"So.. It wasn't just my accident that pushed all this to the surface then?" Hanson's brows rose in suspicion and he felt himself beginning to sober slightly with the topic of their conversation.

"Of course not.. Things like what happened to my dad… They never go away, I think that you know… When you got shot it just sort of made the memories more real if that makes any sense at all."

Tom nodded, "You know… I can still remember when they told me that my father was dead, all I kept thinking was this has to be a mistake, there is no way… this is a joke right? All those things that meant that the whole situation wasn't real… Trying to reassure myself that my dad was going to be alright." He paused for a minute, "But with you… with what happened to your father, to be given that false hope man, to think that he was going to be alright only to have it snatched away from you before you can blink an eye…I just- I can't imagine."

"It was rough… But uh- After a while although it still hangs around the pain dulls and you learn to live again… Which is what you need to do…."

"It's so hard though… I mean even getting out of bed takes Penhall's help I feel like an imbecile and no matter hoe bad I want it I can't seem to just fix everything."

"Bro, you are the hardest working man I know… You have to know that nothing in life comes free, that everything we get, everything we achieve comes at a price… and more often than not that price is hard work…."

"All I want is to be a cop again…"

"And you will be."

"I wish I was as sure as you…"

"You are, you just have to remember that you are…" Booker rose to his feet with a yawn. "Now.. It's almost four in the morning Hanson… I'm going to go home and you are going to sleep this off…"

"Sir, yes sir."

"Care to walk me out?"

"Piss off!" Hanson smirked closing his eyes.

"Oh and Hanson?"

"Hmmm?"

"You tell anyone about this and I'll break your face got it…"

"You don't want me to tell everyone that even you mister hard ass biker boy are capable of being nice when a friend is in need?"

"No. I have a rep to protect."

Thank you all for your wonderful feedback, I feel like this chapter is kind of boring but let me know what you think, also I think you will notice my spelling is better…. I got a program lol


	16. Chapter 16

-1Part 16

_Thank you so much for all of your feedback, you guys know how much I appreciate it. I hope you continue to enjoy this story… As always let me know what you think._

Booker tapped his pen against his desk and sighed leaning back further into his chair, he hated being on hold… and even worse then being on hold, he hated the music they played while you were waiting. He always thought that some old lady had cleaned out her atrack tape collection and donated it to the hold society of America.

Finally A human voice…. "Yes hi, this is Officer Dennis Booker from the JumpStreet chapel precinct down south, I was wondering if you could put me through to Officer McCann please?"

More waiting…. _Hanson better appreciate this…_He thought to himself biting on his inner lip. "Hey!" He sat up right and put his pen down, "Mac… it's Booker how you been man?"

"_Oh you know… Peaches keen and all that other crap…. What's up?" _Came a reply from the other end of the phone.

"I need a favor…."

"_I should've known that was the reason you were calling… What can I do for you?"_

"Actually it's for a friend of mine… Officer Hanson, a friend of mine was involved in a shooting not to long ago…."

"_Hanson…. That name sounds familiar…."_

"The story was all over the papers, they still haven't caught the bastards involved-"

"_I'm sorry to hear that, how can I help?"_

"This might get a little personal…"

"_O…K?"_

"I need you to come talk to him"

"_Hanson?"_

"He's not coping, see the bullet… left him paralyzed from the waist down…"

"_Dennis-"_

"Mac, please… I don't know who else to call…"

"_Shouldn't he be talking to a shrink about this.."_

"He is- he did… But he's not opening up how he should, he feels like no one understands what he's going through, and he's not the type to- Please? I'll pay for everything…"

"_You know… Booker, when I was- After the shooting. I swore that I would never talk about it again…"_

"You owe me.." Booker sighed running a hand through his hair, "Are you going to make me beg?"

"_How do you even know he's going to talk to me?"_

"I have to do something…"

"_Why do I get the feeling that there is more to this then you are telling me."_

"Maybe because there is?"

"_I figured as much… If I do this you are going to be paying me back for the rest of your life you know that right?"_

"So you'll do it?"

"_Yeah… I'll do it."_

"Thanks man, gotta run but I'll see you soon ok?"

…Click.. Was the only reply heard from the other end.

1111111

Penhall growled pouring a cup of black coffee and making his way back into Hanson's bedroom making sure to slam the door behind himself smirking,

"Owwww!" Came a muffled scream from the figure under the comforter as he grabbed his head and grunted.

"Oh I'm sorry am I being to loud?"

"YES!"

"Good!" He sat down heavily on the bed and pulled the blanket down, "Now drink this, don't think just because you decided to be an ass last night, you're going to get out of going in this morning…"

"You can be a real asshole you know that?"

"Says the man who left me a good 12 drunkenly slurred messages on my answering machine last night."

"I did?"

"Uh-huh"

"Sorry…"

"I just don't get you lately man that's all…"

"I don't think you ever did."

"Now whose being the asshole?"

"Uh Penhall?"

"Hmmm?" Doug moved to the corner of the room and grabbed Hanson's chair unfolding it and putting on the brake.

"I think that I let it slip to Booker last night that we read his file…"

"YOU WHAT!" Doug growled deep in his throat and shook his head . "Damnit Hanson! If he tells Fuller we are going to be in so much trouble were going to need shovels to get out of it!"

"I don't think he will… I mean I don't think he was that mad…"

"How would you know man you were drunk off your ass…"

"I just- I don't know… I just know."

"Well that's reassuring." Doug quipped doing the seat belt and heading toward the closet… "I swear if Fuller-"

"I'll tell him it was all me-"

"Oh and how did you reach the files on the top shelf man?"

Tom's eyes narrowed, that stung… momentarily, but still it stung none the less. He knew Doug was right though. "Good point."

"Maybe you're right to think you should stay in bed all day… Maybe I should join you-"

"Penhall!"

"Not like that you freak!"

11111

It was nearly an hour later when the two men finally found their way into the chapel.

"You're late." Fuller called coming out of his office… "Over an hour late." He corrected himself looking at his watch.

"Sorry Cap… Hanson was having a few troubles this morning."

"So it appears." He nodded giving Tom a once over and shaking his head. "Should you even be here? You look a little green there Tom."

"Nothing a little more coffee won't cure…"

"Coffee call…" Booker placed a cup on Hanson's desk as if on cue. "I made sure it was strong…"

"Thanks." Hanson knew a look of shame was plastered across his features, probably similar to the one Doug was now wearing.

"No problem."

"Booker-"

"It's alright…" He held his hand up toward both men, "I understand…"

"You do?"

"Understand what?" Fuller asked crossing his arms over his chest waiting for an explanation…

"Nothing ." All three men said at once something a little to fishy for the captains liking, but per usual he just shook his head and walked away.

"Oh cap?"

"Yes Booker?" The older man called over his shoulder,

"Hanson and I won't be coming in tomorrow."

"You won't?"

"We won't?" Hanson's brows furrowed a look of confusion replacing the look of shame.

"No… I have a friend coming in from out of town and Hanson and I are going to lunch with him…"

"Booker I-" Hanson began to protest but was quickly silenced,

"You owe me man… Snoops."


	17. Chapter 17

-1_I was down in LA for 2 weeks visiting some family which is the reason you guys have not heard from me… But thank you so much for your reviews and here is the chapter you have been waiting for, the lunch scene featuring… More like introducing officer McCann, Enjoy and as always let me know what you think, the good the bad and the ugly._

"I can't believe I agreed to do this…" Hanson growled now sitting in the front of Dennis' car while his friend filled the gas tank before heading the rest of the way to the restaurant where they were meeting this mystery guest. Hanson knew he owed Booker for wheat he and Penhall had done, but he never thought this was the price he was going to pay… Lunch with a stranger…

"Are you going to tell me where we are going yet?" He asked slightly annoyed as Dennis climbed back into the drivers seat immediately lighting a smoke without even rolling down the window out of courtesy.

"I told you we are going to lunch, and that is all you need to know."

"Hey Dennis?"

"Hmmm?"

Hanson rolled down the window as he spoke clearing his throat and smirking to himself as the image his thoughts were painting in his mind, "You know the first thing I'm going to do when I get my legs back?"

"Whatsat?" Dennis glanced over as he stopped at a red light and Hanson took a moment to watch as he sucked on the butt of his cigarette and blew the smoke out.

"I'm going to kick you in the ass…"

"Tom, if you get your legs back I'll gladly bend over and make it easier for you to kick me in the ass man…"

"You don't think I could do it?"

"Well…"

"You don't think I could take you one on one?"

"Come on Hanson… That's not what I meant man…"

"I mean it Book, you and me do you think I could take you?"

"Honestly?" Dennis' brow rose and he shook his head, "No.. no I don't." He pulled into the parking lot of a close by Denny's and shut the engine off before looking over toward Hanson again noting the look of disgust on the other man's face… "Come on Hanson…"

"We'll see…" Tom snarled adjusting his sunglasses his arms crossed over his chest.

"I didn't mean to bend you out of shape…"

"Well you did."

"I can see that." Booker sighed and helped him into the now unfolded chair a feat that still tied his stomach in knots but that was getting easier as time went on.

Officer Anthony McCann was biting nervously on his lip as the waitress came over and refilled his coffee cup for the second… No the third time. His mind was reeling as he thought about what he was about to do… He never wanted to talk about this again, to drudge up the past and relive it… He had put it all behind him, moved on… and well now…. Here it came again.

Closing his eyes he cleared his throat wiping his hands on his jeans as he felt sweat form on them. He was helping someone… Doing good, this guy, this Hanson needed something… someone and maybe he could be that person…He decided at that moment sitting there only seconds before meeting this guy , that he would push all his own shit aside and focus on the case before him… Work… Another day at the office, that's how he had to view this…

He was seriously fooling himself if he thought that was how this was going to be and even he knew that.

As he stepped into the restaurant pushing Hanson in front of him Dennis pulled his sunglasses off of his eyes and put them into his spiked and geled hair spotting Mac before the waitress could even finish her welcome to Denny's speech. Cutting her off mid-sentence.

"Mac!" He smiled his sly and yet strangely genuine smile the kind that made his cheeks crinkle and his teeth show.

"Hey Book." A young man on the other end of the room stood up from his seat, Hanson surveyed the youngster carefully he was dressed quite shaggily in a pair if torn old blue jeans and an old faded black t-shirt his hair curly and uncombed.

"He's the reason you drug me away from work early?" Tom chuckled to himself noting the man they were now approaching was giving him the same once over that he had done moments before.

Mac Looked from Booker to the guy in the wheelchair making it a point not to let any sort of sympathetic look cross his features… He could tell from the first glance that Hanson had not been bound by this metal contraption long, his muscles were still in fair shape his body firm and cut like an athlete, from physic alone he knew this man must have been at one time a damn good cop.

"How goes it bro?" He asked giving Dennis one of those macho manly hug things that men always do, you know that… I'm glad to see you but don't get to close type hug?

"It goes man, and it goes and it goes…" Booker leaned down and set the brake on Hanson's chair before taking his seat.

"I know the feeling…"

"Officer Tony MaCann Meet Officer Tom Hanson…" Booker nodded already picking up the menu and browsing through it.

"Hey Tom." Mac extended his hand.

"Hanson…"

"I'm sorry… Hanson it is then, I know the feeling…" He took his seat once more before continuing, "My friends call me Mac."

Tom nodded before going to look at his own menu his mind replaying the same question over and over again as he tried to focus on the entrees before him, _What the hell am I doing here…._

"So what do you think of California so far?" Dennis asked trying to break the ice, its not like the first words out of his mouth were going to be tell us how you were shot and fix my friend here,….

"Well I've only seen the airport and now the Denny's but… I already don't know why you left New York for this place."

"The cheese." Hanson mumbled before turning the page of his menu without looking up or even acknowledging the conversation.

"Huh?" Both men asked there eyes looking to him.

"We have better cheese here…" He sighed and closed the menu setting it down in front of himself and leaning back in his chair putting his arms behind his head in a bored and slighting annoyed gesture closing his eyes.

"I don't even eat cheese Hanson."

"Oh… So why are we here again?"

"I thought it would be nice for you to come out with me and meet my friend Mac…"

"Come on Dennis, you and I wouldn't have lunch together if hell were freezing over and we were the last two people on the face of the earth…"

McCann smiled at that even as a look of confusion found its way to his face, _why the hell did Dennis want to help this guy? _"The truth is Hanson, Book here called me because he thought that I might be able to help you and your situation…"

"Oh… and what has dear old Dennis here told you about my situation?" Hanson picked a toothpick up from the small bin on the table and began to chew on it looking at the man to which his question was directed curiously.

"Just that you were shot and you weren't coping and he thought that maybe I could talk to you and open you up a little since I've been well.. In a similar situation before…"

Tom smirked and tilted his head looking under the table, "Funny you look fine to me…"

Mac sighed, "I wasn't always…"

"And that gives you a degree in what cripple healing 101?"

"Let's get this straight I'm not here to heal you alright… I'm here to help you because obviously you don't want to help yourself and you won't let those closest to you do a damn thing other than cater to you like a puppy…"

"Excuse me?" Hanson's eyes grew double in size, Just who the hell did this guy think he was?

"You heard me." Mac took a drink of his coffee before continuing, "I've only known you for all of 3 minutes and I already can pin you as a lazy cocky pity me son of a bitch, who obviously needs some sort of rude awakening… and that is where I come in…"

Booker leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest a smirk creeping up to his lips… This.. This was definitely what Hanson needed no more pity parties no more oh poor me trips… A real wake up call from someone who refused to take his shit.


	18. Chapter 18

-1_Hello darlings, sorry it took me a bit, I was down in Santa Cruz meeting JARED LETO! Anyway I thank you for your replies and I hope you enjoy this next part just as much._

Tom cocked his head a look of shock and slight annoyance coming to his features…. "How dare you think you can judge me! How dare you think you know everything about me when you know nothing… How dare you come here and think you are going to tell me how it is…" By the end of his speech Hanson's voice had rose substantially in volume as he cleared his throat making his adam's apple bob. He let his eyes go from the new scrawny man before him back to Booker with a glare in them.

"How dare I?" Mac shook his head and got a little more comfortable in the seat as he spoke slouching himself down into the uncomfortable cushion. "Is it not the truth? Do you not let them wait on you, do you not let them lift you here, and lift you there… do you not soak up their pity because you feel you are deserving? Like everyone should cater to you the poor crippled cop? Like-Like you somehow earned this and now you are so deep in self pity you need them to keep you a float because you cannot do it yourself?"

Tom's teeth pressed hard together as he began to grind them his brows bunching together slowly. "I-"

"I bet you that you have people come over every morning to get you out of bed because your to lazy to learn how to do it yourself…. You have decided not to learn how to live as a handicapped because you've got some fantasy that this whole thing isn't real… that somehow some way you are going to get the magic cure and just get up and walk….WELL that's not going to happen…I'm positive that your apartment is still the same as it was… for the most part there for making it impossible to do anything on your own and forcing you to become a burden on to everyone else… is that what you want officer Hanson, you want to be a washed up has been cop burden?"

Booker rubbed his upper lip with his forefinger and rolled his head from one side to the next. He knew that Mac was being harsh , maybe a little to harsh, but he also knew that this was what needed to happen, that Hanson needed to be slapped in the face and woken up. He needed to get angry, so angry that he would do something about the way his life was going…. He needed to feel any emotion, feel alive and face the future that was given to him… weather he deserved it or not.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" As if on cue Tom growled as he gripped the sides of his wheelchair hard enough to turn his knuckles white. "YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST CLOSE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH STAND UP ON YOUR TWO PERFECT FEET AND WALK THE HELL AWAY FROM ME? I DON'T LET PEOPLE PUT PITY ON ME I DON'T IGNORE WHAT HAPPENED AND I'M DEALING WITH IT THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW!"

"BY RUNNING FROM IT?" Mac held his hand up toward the waitress who was now making her way over to them to tell them to quiet down as he lowered his voice and moved in closer… "How many ramps have you got in your house then Tom? How many lift bars and shower chairs?"

Tom's voice came out like venom now, what in the hell was this guy trying to prove? Who the hell was he and what was he doing here invading on Hanson's life? "None." He answered shortly before crossing his arms over his chest and tilting his chin down almost in a gesture of defiance.

"Well there you go…" Mac nodded, "You are in denial."

"How can I be in denial about something I'm forced to look at and deal with everyday of my life?"

"That is a question only you can answer for yourself Tom."

"Exactly what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to help you….." Mac noted the slight softening of Hanson's voice and demeanor and took that as a step in the right direction… Obviously this Hanson character knew that he was not going to win and that their arguing was only going to take them in circle after circle if it continued…

"No offense Tony, but I don't need your help…"

"That's not how your friends tell it."

"Well that's how I tell it, and my word goes… It is still my life after all… What's left of it anyway."

"Can't you at least give me a shot… for them? They are worried about you ya know? And maybe if you show a little more effort… They could lay off you just a little and you could get some piece of your life back… I know you want that, I know that you need that…"

Tom didn't answer right away he took a sip from the coffee mug in front of him and set it down running his finger along th warm porcelain rim and then finally looked up…. Booker, Mac. Mac Booker he let is eyes wonder from one to the other for a moment before settling on the new comer next to him, "How did it happen?"

"Huh?"

"How did it happen… When you were shot how did they shoot you?" Tom asked again as he picked up his napkin and began to twist it between his fingers….

Mac swallowed hard as a flash of his own accident entered into his mind and then disappeared , he knew this question was coming that he was going to have to answer it but that did not however make it any easier when it finally came…

"Well…. It was a routine drug bust… We had been staking these guys out for about 3 and a half months, you know going undercover playing the part, we decided it was time to make the bust… we had the evidence to convict, we had a nice strong case against these three… Solid, not something you are usually blessed with in Newark New Jersey. We drew our guns … And well… I turned my back for only a second to check on my partner who had the second assailant back up against the wall no more then 5 feet from me… and that's when it happened before I could even realize what was going on… I had checked him I knew he wasn't holding any sort of weapon…. Didn't I?"

Mac swallowed and closed his eyes for a minute playing over the scene in his mind, "I heard the gun cock.. And dove out of the way pulling my partner with me…. It felt cold and sharp like the blade of a knife cutting through your flesh and I knew I had been shot before we even hit the ground behind the trashcans we had dove for. "

"Chaz, my partner he fired back killing one of them and wounding the other two… I remember laying there in the street against the cold asphalt the smog in the air surrounding me as I stared up over my head at the stars that I knew were there, but that I couldn't see… And all I could think was this is it…. I'm going to die right here right now, because some punk dope pusher was quicker than me….. I remember everything up until I was loaded into the ambulance…"

He paused to look up only now and see Hanson staring back at him, his eyes were wide and his bottom lip was resting in his mouth between his teeth, he was listening… really listening because Mac knew he could understand that he had been there, and now he knew that he was not the only one…. And in someway Mac was sure that that brought a sense of comfort to the young officer.

"I came too and I don't remember much for those first few days… But I remember the stale smell that filled my senses and I remember not wanting to open my eyes at first because I was so afraid of what I was going to see… What I was going to have to deal with… So it took me over an hour before I worked up the courage to actually look around me… to see what was to be seen…."

"That must have been rough man…" Booker took out his cigarettes and lit one shaking his head as he too looked to see Hanson completely engulfed in the story being told.

"Shot three rounds into me before I hit the ground, 1 in the arm and 2 in my back missing the spinal cord by only 1.5 centimeters…." He visibly shivered at that point, clearing his throat and wiping the sweat from his brow that had somehow gathered there…. "I remember the doctor telling me how lucky I was… He used that word like I should be happy to have been shot… and I remember the bile rising in my throat he was making me physically sick with his happiness…."

He sighed leaning back in his seat a little more and pausing for a drink of water… "And so I was in the hospital for nearly a month in a half before they declared me both mentally and physically well enough to go home… But it was like everything was different you know? I couldn't shake these feelings of paranoia I couldn't stop thinking and dreaming about the shooting… and I couldn't face the recovery that I was being forced to go through…. Now that I look back I was lucky… I guess.. Lucky for someone who had taken a bullet,… I spent nearly 2 years recovering from that day, 19 months and 13 days for that spent confined to a wheelchair. A contraption that had stripped me of my man hood and replaced it with this weak and incapable human being…."

Hanson looked him up and down slowly a look of disbelief reading from his features…. "wow…" he managed to get out exhaling as he did so…

"So I was luckier than you, from what Booker told me your spinal cord was severed right? Nerve damage?"

Hanson nodded.

"I'm not going to fill you with false hopes… I'm not going to tell you that I know your going to walk again and fairytales like that… You don't need me to you have friends who do that already, I came here because you need someone who has been through what your going through at least one some degree someone who is going to push you, break you and rebuild you into a stronger and more capable person… And when you are ready you are going to tell me about what happened to you that day… Because recovery is 80 percent mental and 20 percent physical…."

Hanson didn't say anything in response he was feeling so many different emotions at the moment, relief… Envy…. Anger… Jealousy… Determination…. So many different things were swimming through his head, he actually in some small way wanted to trust this guy, someone who had been there, had done that and lived to tell about it… even if it wasn't the exact same thing…. But he was a stranger, Hanson didn't know him… Booker did, which was no where near good enough to give him high points on the trust scale…

"So…." MacCann cleared his throat interrupting Tom's thoughts and regaining his attention. "I've taken a job at the chapel… I talked to my captain last night and he called Fuller…. And Fuller has given me the go ahead to transfer down here for the time being…"

"You need a place to stay bro?" Booker cocked his eyebrow and tilted his head, "It will be just like old times…"

"You two use to be roomies?"

"Yeah… During out academy days…."

"Oh lord is this going to be like living with two Bookers in my life?"

"Are you kidding me Hanson? There is only one of me, you should know my now that I'm a one of a kind original model… accept no substitutes…"

"Well that's reassuring…" Hanson frowned a little noting the first thing that Mac had said and playing it back again in his mind…. "So- that makes you my replacement I guess then?"

"well-" Mac shrugged, "For the time being I guess you could put it like that…"

Hanson felt an emptiness fill his insides and nodded, sure… he was stuck on desk duty, he was paralyzed… but a replacement? He knew this day was coming… but for a moment anyway it stung… deep and hard. "Oh… Well… That's cool, your going to love the chapel…" He smirked as painful as it was to do so…. "But Jude is definitely going to have to make this one over don't you think Book?"

"I'm sure she can work something out…." Booker smiled evilly.

"Hey I didn't sign on for any makeovers!"

"And I didn't sign on for some scrawny pantywaist from New Jersey to come down here and interrupt my life…. So now we are even."

Booker stood and looking at the two men chuckled to himself, _this is going to be quite interesting…. _He told himself before heading to pay the check.

_Be honest and tell me what you thought, I'm not to sure how I felt about it… I kept the facts as close to the original as I could while shifting some to make them fit with the story a little more._


	19. Chapter 19

-1"All I'm saying is that I really don't trust this guy…." Doug whined as he sat on the edge of Ioki's desk twirling a pencil in his fingers looking back at the closed door to Fuller's office and gritting his teeth. He had met this guy…. This Mac the night before, they all had over at Bookers apartment, and from the moment the guy opened his mouth Doug knew he didn't like him.

Coming in with his I'm here to save the day attitude and his smug grin… something about him with just…. Wrong…. If he couldn't help Tommy Doug thought, then there was no way this yuppie from New Jersey was going to be able to either…

"Maybe you are just over reacting man." Harry sighed and shook his head trying to concentrate on the paper work in front of him, but knowing that with Doug babbling in his ear the task was useless. "Give him some time…Feel him out, but don't hate him right out of the box…. Don't you remember how you felt about Tom at first?"

"That was different…."

"Why?"

"Because…. Well because he's Tom…."

"And you don't think that this guy might turn out to be 'Tony'?"

"No…No I don't."

"Your hopeless…." Ioki drew his lip into his mouth and smirked as Judy approached the two of them a smile on her cheerful face just like always….

"Who's hopeless?" She asked raising her brow at the two men…

"Doug here seems to have a problem with the new guy…" Harry offered up before sliding from his chair folder in hand and going to the file cabinet.

"As if that's anything new… I however find him kinda cute…." Hoffs grinned twisting a piece of hair with her forefinger.

"Oh come on you have GOT to be kidding me… This guy he looks like an even dorkier version of Hanson… If there could ever be such a thing… He's all scrawny and pale…" Doug was now chewing the edge of the pencil in a more then irritated manner as his eyes tore disapprovingly into Judy.

"Oh come on Doug, I think maybe you're just a little jealous." Judy concluded patting his arm before turning to head back to her desk a smug smirk on her face… "Now if you will excuse me I have to get back to work."

"JEALOUS?" Penhall growled getting up from his spot at the corner of Ioki's desk and following her, toward her own, "I am not Jealous… Douglas Penhall does not know the meaning of the word Jealous…"

"Hey Iokage." Hanson called coming into the chapel followed closely behind by Booker…. "Hey Hanson. How did it go today?"

"Same as every other day…. I told him nothing was wrong, he told me I needed to learn to open up… I replied with I felt nice and open… Aside from these confining bars of course… we went back and forth for a while then he finally gave up and let me come back to work."

"You do know he's only trying t o help you don't you Hanson?"

"So he keeps telling me, but what can I say… I don't like the idea of telling my whole life story… my aches and my pains to a man I don't know who is getting paid to sit and listen and pretend he understands…."

"Maybe if you stopped having that sort of attitude about the whole thing you might actually be able to get a little help from the guy…." Booker interjected sliding his sunglasses off of his face and putting them in the pocket of his leather jacket.

"Oh come on Dennis you of all people have no right to talk to me about opening up with my feelings you are the most closed off guy that I know…."

"That might be true, but I'm not the guy in your situation… you are and you need to talk about it."

"I thought that was why you brought the oh so wonderful Dr. McCann all the way here from New Jersey…"

"I brought him here to help you,… Yes"

"Hanson!" Penhall interrupted just at the right time finally taking time out of his busy arguing schedule with Judy to notice his friends entry … "How goes it man?"

"It goes and it goes and it goes…" Hanson smirked. "Did you finish that case up?"

"Yeah… Sorry I couldn't take you myself, but Fuller said that if I didn't get the thing in by noon it was going to be not only his ass on the line, but mine too…"

"It's alright, you didn't miss much…"

"Didn't think I would." Doug looked toward Booker, "Thanks for taken him this morning…"

"Well you know anything is better than doing paperwork even hanging out with this dink."

"Gee thank you Dennis I feel so loved."

"As you should now get back to work before Fuller comes out here."

"I don't know about that… McCann and him have been in there talking for well over an hour now." Harry noted.

"It's like he's already trying for suck up of the year or something…" Doug mumbled under his breath… Noticing the amounts of cockeyed stared and odd looks he was now getting he shook his head and sighed making his way back to his desk… "Never mind I guess I am the only one who is not on the Mac is great train."

1111111

I had definitely been a long day as Mac climbed back into his car only stopping back at Bookers place to shower and change before heading to Hanson's apartment… He had only been at the chapel one day and he already was on his first case working along side the only person in the whole place who he believed would not be cutting him a break anytime soon…. Officer Doug Penhall… A tall husky man who was more than just a little intimidating.

Especially when it came to the subject of his obviously best friend and case partner Hanson…. McCann knew that that right there was the reason why Doug was having a hard time accepting him, he knew that it must be hard to replace your partner… To see someone else come in like he had and change everything. So because of that he decided for the time being to cut him some slack… let him adjust.

Stopping off at the corner of Hanson's street he grabbed two cups of coffee before heading further on studying the numbers carefully as he drove by them looking for the right door to Tom's apartment… When he finally found it the first thing he noticed was the beautiful powder blue Mustang out front… What a gorgeous machine….

Climbing out of the car he took a moment to go over to it… study it, and then headed up to Hanson's door knocking twice before he finally answered. "Hey- Coffee?"

"Thanks… Come in." Hanson was still dressed in the same clothes he had worn to work that day which meant that whoever would come to assist him… Penhall McCann guessed… Had not yet come back to help him get ready for the night.

"That's a beautiful machine out front there."

"Thanks, she's my baby,… She was my dad's."

"He kept her in great shape…" Mac nodded, "You uh mind if I sit down?"

"Oh no of course not, make yourself at home…"

"Thanks." He made his way over to the sofa and had a seat liking the way he sunk down into the soft fabric he leaned forward and took a sip of his coffee… "So-"

"So," Hanson repeated looking at him, "How do we start this?"

"Well… You can tell me what you need to work on and we can start there…."

"I need to work on getting back on my feet!"

"Okay, but… that's not what I meant just yet, why don't you tell me what you can and can't do for yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well… Can you get yourself in and outta that thing alright?"

"No."

"Can you change yourself… Reach the cupboards and take your own showers?"

"No… No… and well…. No."

"So you don't do anything for yourself then, is that what you are telling me?"

"I do things…." Hanson cleared his throat and frowned…. "I--I tie my own shoes,"

"That's wonderful… What are we in kindergarten again?"

"Hey!"

"I'm serious man, the first thing we need to do is get you some damn independence so that you don't have to wait for people to come to your beck and call to service you."

"Alright-- And how do we do that…?"

"Well we start with something easy….." He got up from the couch and came over to him.

"Why do I have the feeling that your definition of easy and my definition of easy are going to be two completely different things?"

"Because they are?…" He smirked taking the handles of the wheelchair and heading back toward the bedroom. "I suppose you don't even have a trapeze yet do you?"

"Do I look like a circus performer to you?"

"Not that kind of trapeze… The one that hangs over your bed to help you in and out…"

"Uh no, don't have one of those…"

"I'll take care of getting one of those through the department."

"They handle stuff like that?"

"Yeah, they should it was a work related injury so they have to pay for whatever you need,"

"Are they paying you?"

"No." He pulled him up next to the bed, "I owed Booker a favor…"

"So your not getting anything out of this then?"

"Well… I wouldn't say that, I mean I'm helping you, and I'm getting the hell out of Jersey so it's not like I'm losing out on anything you know?"

"If you didn't like it there why didn't you get out sooner?"

"No reason to, now stop changing the subject, you ready to do this?"

"I dunno…" Hanson couldn't help but feel a little nauseated and nervous he hardly knew this guy, and what if something embarrassing happened? What if his catheter came out… what if he fell flat on his face, or got tangled in this damn metal chair… What if he couldn't do this? "What are we doing exactly…."

"Getting you from the chair to the bed…"

"Can't we wait for that trapeze thing you were talking about?"

"No, that just makes it easier you still have to learn to do it this way anyhow."

"I want easier first…" Tom pouted with a grunt,

"To bad, then you should of taken care of this before don't you think? You've been in that damn thing for what 6 months now give or take some time?"

"I guess." Tom shrugged.

"That's what I thought now unbuckle yourself… and put one hand on the bed."

Tom drew his lip into his mouth and swallowed taking a deep breath he didn't want to do this… why did he have to do this? If he ever caught that son of a bitch who did this he would kill him no doubt about it…

"Hanson!"

"WHAT? I'm doing it…."

"You might want to put the brake on first or your going to end up flat on your ass"

"I might just end up there anyway." He grunted and leaned down putting the brake on,

"I know you will but it will be a lot less painful of your chair doesn't roll over you on your way down you know?"

"I guess your right…" Hanson shook his head he had no idea what he was doing…. Or how he was going to do it… he didn't want to do this … He felt tiny drops of sweat forming on his forehead and he hadn't even done anything yet….

"Focus, don't think about anything else or you're going to mess up." McCann ordered stepping a little closer behind the chair. "Now using your free hand lift each leg up and off of the pedals make sure they are out in front of you or your going to trip yourself…"

"So much to remember…"

"Yes now shut up and concentrate"

"Gee thanks."

"I mean it Hanson." He stepped around in front of him now. "Using your upper body I want you to lift yourself up and over on to the bed…"

For something that sounded so easy it also seemed impossible Hanson thought to himself swallowing harder this time trying to rid his throat of the lump residing there. He could feel his arm burn all the way down as he threw all his weight on it lifting himself only 2 centimeters or so off the seat before falling back down again….

"I-I can't do this…."

"Yes you can, that was a great first try now do it again, only this time bring yourself higher, you can't be afraid of what's going to happen or your never going to do anything again…"

"Thank you Mr. Yoda."

"I'm serious now try again."

Whipping his face with his forearm Hanson glared at the man standing above him hovering over him like a mother hen, "You're real pain in my ass do you know that?"

"It's about time someone took that title now do it again."

Hanson's brows furrowed his dark brown eyes almost black now with anger and shadowed with fear as he grunted and put his hand back on the bed the other pushing on the arm rest of his chair.

Mac Watched the determination in his face and smiled to himself until he saw the chair begin to tilt under the weight pressure and reached forward Grabbing Hanson's wrist firmly "Keep going come on you can do this Hanson you can do this…"

Hanson only grunted in response a small amount of relief coming over him when he felt some of the weight being lifted off his shoulders and saw Mac at his aid…. "I thought-"

"Shut up and concentrate…"

His arms throbbed as he held himself up and then pushed himself over on to the soft welcoming mattress of his bed sweat dripping down his face and into his eyes…He had done it… Everything hurt now… well everything he could feel anyway… But he had done it…

Both men looked up when they heard a single set of applause coming from the bedroom door jam and there stood Penhall a smile on his lips, "Well would you look at that… I told you it won't be long until your kickin' my ass…"

"Not long at all.." Mac nodded, "I guess that's my clue to leave, I'll get on that other thing for you first thing tomorrow Hanson… You did good work alright?"

"Thanks."

"I'll show myself out…" He looked at Penhall, "See you tomorrow…"

"Yup." Penhall was already making his way around the room putting the chair in the corner so on and so forth getting Hanson ready for the night….

"You know Doug…" Tom cleared his throat hearing the front door close. "You could at least try to like the guy…"

"No I can't… He's arrogant."

"He's trying to help me."

"Whatever…"

"Yeah sure- Whatever…"

_There you have it Chapter 19, thank you all for your wonderful feedback and I look forward to seeing what you have to say about this one, it didn't feel quite right while I was writing it but I think ti came together pretty well in the end_

_Rosebud_


	20. Chapter 20

-1_I am so so so sorry that it has taken me this long to get an update out things keep happening one right after the other in my life right now, but I'm going to attempt to update more regularly. Thank you all for your lovely replies you know that I love them…. So please be just as honest this time around._

By the time Hanson and Penhall arrived at the chapel the following morning it was nearly ten am. It had taken an extra hour to get Hanson up and ready due in part to his sore arms and constant bitching…. Then traffic was truly a bitch, they passed two wrecks on the freeway within the first ten miles of travel time.

"Hanson, Penhall in my office now…" Was the greeting they received the minute they arrived as Fuller's head popped out from behind the wooden and glass door of his office.

"Right away chief." Doug smiled nervously at Booker, Mac and gang who were all giving the pair a sympathetic we feel sorry for you look as they went by.

"Wh-what's up coach?" Hanson asked as he leaned down putting the break on his wheels while Penhall closed the door behind them.

"You're late." Captain Fuller sighed and leaned back in his chair crossing his arms over his chest and eyeing the two boys.

"I'm sorry-.."

"We're sorry." Doug injected correcting him as he now stood behind him elbows resting on the handles of the wheelchair.

"Yeah ..We're sorry, I just had some troubles this morning…"

"Are you alright?" The older man's eyes grew a little in size as he looked Hanson over with a quick examining gaze.

"I'm fine,… Just a little sore, Mac came over last night and was helping me with a few things." He rubbed his biceps as if on cue the muscles in his arms aching…. No throbbing from last nights work out.

"So I take it that went well then…"

"One could say that yeah… If you call severe humiliation, and lots of unwanted pain well."

"I do."

"Well then yes it went well."

"Good…" Adam got up from his seat and walked around to the front of the desk leaning against it crossing one leg over the other his arms still securely against his chest… "Your tardiness is not why I brought you in here…."

"It's not?"

Shaking his head fuller himself couldn't believe what he was about to say as he opened his mouth. "I need you two to work a case…"

"Captain" Doug's face showed more mortification than anything else as he swore his heart stopped beating in his chest.

"Don't be so quick to say no…" He let his eyes fall to Tom who was now just staring at him his blood running cold in his veins, sure he wanted to get back in the field… He loved being a cop, he breathed and lived being a cop…. But he imagined he would be going back to work with both feet planted on the ground not numbly laying in some wheelchair…. "I need it to be the two of you. You're the best team on the force, you know each others moves backwards and forwards…."

"You know that I can work just as well with Ioki…" Doug tried earning him quite a hurt glance from Hanson who finally remembered to blink let alone breathe… "You know what I mean… Don't look at me like that,"

"Doug." Fuller ran a hand through his hair. "Would you trust me on this please? I am after all the captain…"

"This is true…."

"But I feel like there is more to this then you are telling us." Tom's brow rose in suspicion, "Why after all this time do you need me? I mean… I want to get back to work and all trust me on that but what makes you think I'm so ready….Now"

"Well…. Mac." Fuller shrugged a little, "He and I have been discussing your condition both mental and physical and he thinks that the only way you are ever going to fully heal is to get back out there and face everything head on…. To remember that you are a cop, and that your job saves lives…."

"And….."

"And putting you out in the field can do that, Penhall will go in as your back-up as well as Mac and Booker so your not going to have to be alone at anytime…."

"What if I say no?" Hanson asks whipping his now sweat drenched palms off on his jeans as he looked at his captain with an expressionless look,

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know… But if I say no, are you going to fire me?"

"Hanson, you know I would never fire you, you're the best cop on the force…"

"I was."

"You still are, and that is what we need to make you remember,"

"But still…."

"Look if you don't want to do it I'm not going to push you into it, you just seemed like you were ready to face this demon…. But if you can't yet that's alright…. We can find someone else and you can go back to filing paper work and answering phones…"

"Coach…."

"The choice is yours Tom, either you want it or you don't, but I really think you have the opportunity to do some good…. And you might even learn a few things along the way…."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Both men asked almost in unison their brows raising as Tom drew his lip into his mouth and Doug popped his neck from side to side slowly.

"This case takes place over at Kennedy High….." Fuller hesitated before continuing. "Someone is bringing drugs in over there and selling them…"

"Isn't Kennedy that uh, special needs school?" Penhall asked trying not to sound discriminative…

Fuller nodded.

"And that is the real reason why you want me to go in, it has nothing to do with my ability as an officer, it has more to do with my current situation."

"That's not true, I could just as easily stick Hoffs in a chair again, but I know that you can handle yourself Tom… And I think it would be the perfect way for you to ease back into the field, you know without as much pressure."

"I don't know about this Cap…" Doug shook his head, "I mean-"

"I'll do it." Tom interrupted with a nod, "It might not be under the terms or conditions that I wanted to come back to work under, but I'll do it."

"You will?" Doug asked

"Yeah, I mean why not? You're going to be there, Dennis will be there, and Mac too, there really isn't that much for me to worry over is there?"

"I-I guess not."

"I need to start earning my check around here again anyway don't I?" Tom smirked a little even though his nerves were frazzled and his brain was screaming for him to shut the hell up and NOT take this assignment, he didn't care he needed to do this,. Not only for himself but to prove to everyone around him that he was still a man, that he didn't need their pity glances anymore of their constant worry hanging over his head…. He needed this to prove himself all the way around and he was going to do it.

"Alright, well… Here are your case files, and you start first thing Monday morning, that gives you a few days to prep yourself for this Hanson, maybe you and Penhall can go out to the shooting range and practice…"

"I'm going in armed?" Hanson could taste his stomach in his throat as he swallowed hard.

"This is just like any other assignment and these boys could be just as dangerous as the others you've busted before….."

"I-I know…."

"Then you know why you are going in armed",

"Okay coach."

Fuller nodded, "Hanson go on and finish up the paperwork from last night, Doug and I need to discuss the case that wrapped yesterday…."

Hanson nodded and took his break off before heading out of the room letting the door close behind him, something… Everything inside of him felt numb right now, numb yet afraid… He knew he needed to do this sooner or later but honestly he had hoped it would be later rather than sooner.

"You alright Hanson?" Hoffs asked seeing her friends paled expression out of the corner of her eye and excusing herself from the conversation she was having with the others who were now also watching him as she made her way over.

"Yeah…." He nodded, "Yeah, I'm uh, I'm fine…"

"He must've really laid into you good in there, is Penhall still getting' reamed or what?"

"No….Actually he didn't."

"Well then what was all that about?"

"He put us on a case." The still stunned man looked up at her his brown eyes wide, "He's giving me my badge back and were headed out into the field first thing Monday morning…."

"He what?" Judy's eyes were wide with surprise and shock, "No offense Hanson… but are you joking?"

"No…. There's some drug ring over at Kennedy and he knew that Penhall and I would be best suited for the job… so uh, like I said Monday morning we are headed back into the belly of the beast…"

"Are you ok with that?" She asked delicately as she nervously rubbed her chin with her forefinger watching him.

"Sure…. I mean why wouldn't I be, this is what I wanted, to go back out in the field you know? And now is as good a time as any to do that…."

"So you're on the case then?" Mac and Booker were now approaching behind Hoffs, Ioki bringing up the rear…

"Yeah…. I took it…" Hanson exhaled loudly… "I took it."

"Good,… That's good, it's a start." Booker nodded.

"Have a seat Doug." Fuller gestured to the chair on the opposite side of his desk as he returned to his own chair.

Doug nodded sitting down and fiddling with the name tag on the desk in front of him, "I thought we finished the paperwork on the Thompson case already…."

"We did…. That's not what this is about."

"Then what's up?"

"I needed to talk to you about Tom…."

"O…k…"

"This isn't going to be easy you know?"

"Then why are you putting him back out there so soon?"

"Because he needs this… He needs to deal with what happened and get some kind of life…. Some closure on everything… You know we still haven't caught the guys who did this."

"I know."

"He's living in fear, he might not say it, but I can see it, we all can… And if we put him back out there maybe he can remember the good things, you know that there is something he can still do, and he wont feel so useless all the time. I'm going to need you to be with him every step of the way…."

"So… He is my case then?"

"In a matter of speaking…yeah. I want you to keep your eyes on him and if it seems like it is getting to be to much pull him out without so much as a second of hesitation, if he freezes up who knows what could happen. The truth is He is not the same person he was before, he's not the same cop and he may never be again."

"He's my best friend Capt. You know that I'll watch over him the best that I can…"

"I know that Doug, that's why I chose you and not Booker or Mac as his right hand in this assignment."

Reaching into his desk drawer Fuller fiddled around a minute before pulling out Hanson's badge and gun sliding them across the desk, "You hold on to these, take him down to the main stations firing range this afternoon, I've spoke to the Sarg. down there and made sure that the floor will be empty…. Don't give these back to him until you feel he's ready…. Can you do that?"

"I-I think so…" Doug nodded picking up the unloaded gun and badge and sliding them into his pocket.

"He's going to freeze… You have to make him remember,…. If he can't do this then… Well then, there is only paperwork in his future, and I don't know how much longer we can keep him around here…"

"They can't fire him, it was a work related injury,"

"Fire him? No…." Captain Fuller cleared his throat. "They would transfer him to down town where he would become a lot more secretary and a lot less cop."

"Hanson would rather quit then work down there with those snobby dicks."

"I know that, that is why we are doing this…"

"Captain?"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you think we are ever going to catch the bastards who did this to him?"

"I don't know Doug… I wish I did, but I just don't know."

"Are you ready?" Doug asked shutting the car off as he pulled into the closest spot available at the downtown precinct looking over at Hanson who was blankly starring out the windshield his eyes fixed on the building in front of them.

"I guess…."

"Then lets do this." He nodded climbing out of the car and going around to the other side to get him out….

"I don't know why Fuller is making you bring me here, its not you know… Like I've never handled a gun before…." He attempted as best he could to sound competent and almost cocky as he strapped himself in.

"He just wants to make sure your going to be able to handle it is all…"

"Has anyone informed him lately that I am in fact a grown man, a professional police officer at that… And I've been trained to handle myself in any given situation?"

"Well then this is going to be a piece of cake for you now isn't it?"

"Smart ass." Tom sighed loudly trying his best to seem annoyed holding tight to his attempts at a cool, calm and collected outward appearance even if his insides were shaking like a five year old facing their first day of pre-school.

"Shit-head"

"That's me…."

"Hey Hanson!" The man behind the front desk rose to his feet and smiled at the two men, more so at the one in the chair…"Didn't think we'd be seeing you down here anymore, are you the new desk jockey around here?"

The officer was Charlie Dunagan, an older man who had worked with Tom's father, and also with Hanson before he had broken his nose on one of their first times out and been sent to Jump Street chapel. "Hey Charlie, I see the nose healed up nicely….And uh no, I'm here for shooting practice down stairs…."

"Shooting practice?" Charlie eyed Penhall who nodded in response.

"You I'm headed back out in to the field."

"Oh…. We heard about your accident didn't figure we would you know…. Did you um get the flowers I sent….?"

"Yeah, they were nice, thanks…"

"That really was a tough break, did they ever catch the punks?"

Hanson's blood ran cold at those few simple words and his jaw clenched a little as he shook his head reminding himself to stay calm.. "No… No they haven't yet, but I'm sure they will…."

"Well we are all rooting for you to get back on your feet…" The older man nodded noting the change in not only Tom's but both men's demeanor and figuring he had over stepped his bounds and it was time to end the conversation.

"Thanks… I appreciate it."

As they approached the small cubical Hanson felt his throat close as though there was no air at all in the room his head spun lightly and he leaned back a little coughing trying to clear the obstruction in his wind pipe…

"You alright?"

Tom nodded.

"Okay good…. Put these on…" Doug leaned down a little to his knees sliding his own protective ear covers on and handing Hanson another pair.

It's time Doug told himself sliding the gun out of one pocket and a fresh clip out of his other… Sliding the clip in the click caused Hanson to jump as his eyes darted to his friend small amounts of sweat forming on his forehead as he chuckled a little nervously….

Taking note Doug frowned a little, maybe this was going to be harder than even he anticipated…. "You ready?"

Tom nodded not trusting words to come out of his mouth yet he made no movement to reach for the gun being held out before him….

"Tom?"

"Hmmm?"

"Take the gun…."

"Oh…" Hanson blinked and put out a shaking hand clasping the cold metal object in his palm and staring at it… "Okay…"

Biting his lip Doug reached over and gripped his hand around Tom's adjusting the other man's fingers around the pistol and holding it out in front of the two of them aimed toward the paper target at the end of the room. "Like this remember?" He let his hand fall down to rest on the arm of the chair watching Tom carefully.

"I-I know…." Hanson nodded stiff as a statue aside from his trembling hands with the gun out in front of him… How was it, he found himself thinking, that something to small so…. Inanimate could pack so much power, enough power to ruins someone's life… Or even take it? How was it that in a world as big as this one something so insignificant could be so huge….

"Take your time…." Penhall whispered,…. Pulling the other man from his foggy thoughts.

Tom lowered the gun a little his finger now resting only an inch or so from the trigger…. "Doug…I-"

"Don't even say you can't Tom… Come on…..You can do this man, you are the best cop I know…."

"I-I didn't think it was going to be this hard….."

"We'll do it together come on…" He whispered easily and rose to his feet standing behind Hanson's chair and replacing his ands over the trembling man's readjusting the gun and moving Tom's finger to rest on the tiny black trigger his own holding it there…. "You just have to remember these things do as much good as evil Tom, come on you know that…. It's used as much for protection and justice…. It's all about the person holding the gun…"

"I just…I don't…I don't want to do this…."

"You have to, you have to remember Tom…. Now close your eyes and just give the trigger a gentle squeeze, come on, it will be over before you know it, and after the first time it will only get easier…. You have to trust me on this….."

"I do…."

"You hold the power Hanson, not someone else, this is all in your control, you know that, now use it, just a small slight squeeze and everything will come rushing back to you, all the good you've done for people, the cop that you are…. Everything…."

Hanson nodded a little and exhaled loudly as his finger squeezed down on the trigger….. His whole body jumped and even with the protection on his ears he swore he could hear the firing bullet clear as day bouncing around inside his brain….

Penhall was right, everything came rushing back like a flood without barriers, but it wasn't all the good things, the lives he'd saved or the cop he was… it was everything else… everything from that day…. He felt sweat pour down his face as he remembered the cold chilling sensation running through his body accompanied by the loud bangs…. The screeching of tired…. The sound of his own heart slowing Bookers voice getting further and further away…. Fear…. Pain…. Everything hit him all at once it was like his own personal sonic boom as his eyes flow open and he choked out a breath…..

All he could see before him were those stupid bastard punks in there gangster garb and before he or Penahll knew what he was doing six more rounds were fired from the gun one right after the other Hanson's hand steady as ever his face determined he would kill them, he would take there lives as they had taken his….

Realizing what was going on Penhall frowned his face pained as he pried the man's finger from the trigger, "Hanson..HANSON STOP." He ordered

And then there was silence.

"I-I'm sorry….I just don't know what came over me…."

"I do." Penhall took the gun from him and popped the clip out… "Revenge."

_I tried to make this as long as I could and I hope you guys enjoyed it… As always review and please be honest… More next week._


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